Chill Day, but I wasn’t chill

I woke up this morning at 4am, like wide awake. Went to pee after being unable to sleep again, and forced Gable to get up and pee too even though he didn’t really want to (just in case peepee issues) because something had me worried. Went back to nap/sleep until 7am and had a disturbing dream.

Thought about M as I lay there waiting for 7am to come and eagerly texted him this morning because he was supposed to get his Lasik done.

Went for dog walkies and didn’t hold my breath for a response but for some reason was sad that he hadn’t responded. I haven’t been texting him at all because I don’t think he really wants me to, and honestly I kept hemming and hawing about texting him this morning besides going for it. Didn’t want to let it keep bothering me. Got online like I always do in the mornings and caught a glimpse of breaking headline in my area where a firefighter fell through the burning floor of a townhouse. I scrolled right by it because it made me think of him, but after a moment’s hesitation I went back and clicked on it, because I had to know the details. I remember gnawing on my lip as I scanned the words and my heart sank to my stomach when the location came up: Reston. Tried to play it off, maybe it wasn’t his shift, since there are 3 shifts, and kept reading. No tragic news, the firefighter that fell through was released from the hospital. I couldn’t get it out of my mind, and I sent my feelers out…As much as I wanted to think he had been off, I had a feeling that it was his crew and that he was somehow involved, but I didn’t get a sense that he himself was the one who went through the floor. Still didn’t stop me from worrying. Anything could’ve happened and feelings are just feelings. I contemplated texting him again, but decided against it. I remember going downstairs to start my day and thinking that if something bad happened to him that his family would tell me…right? Sigh. Who am I kidding…we’re not together anymore. And I don’t know how much he wants or does not want to be in contact with me.

Went on with my day because besides worrying what else is there to do? I ended up thinking about him all freaking day long despite my post this morning about thinking about other things. Couldn’t get him out of my mind. The day itself was really chill and almost boring and any other day I would’ve been super relaxed, but I for some reason I was anxious and expended lots of energy to try and keep calm for my patients and the sanity of my colleagues. Even in the car ride home it was just him him him. I got to thinking that maybe I’m just doomed to never get over him. There was a point that my eyes welled up in tears (near Rite Aid) as I thought of him.

Got home and managed to forget about him for a few minutes because my package arrived and my dogs were eager to go walking. The weather was chilly today and quite nice and someone stupidly broke clear beer bottle on the ground where Gable walks. I get back, change my clothes, grab my packages and my phone and to my surprise I have 2 texts from him. It was all about the fire and he explains to me that it was his crew. His crewmate had fallen through the floor and his captain almost did too. The one that fell was pretty much trapped in the inferno in the basement but managed to escape through a window with help from an outside crew. It was a significant event and now they have the team going through counselling given the traumatic experience. Even having USA Fire reviewing the incident.

That’s when all made sense to me. The anxiety. I…am embarrassed to admit that I didn’t know how to respond. The immense relief I felt that he even disclosed that to me melted away all the anxiety I’d been feeling all day. It was like I was holding my breath the whole time. Not knowing. It’s just awful. Now that we’re not together it didn’t feel right to gush over him. I can’t even tell you how happy I am that he told me all of that. For a moment we were together again and then soon thereafter we weren’t and reality set back in.

I’m just glad he’s OK. He was always trying to tell me the dangers of the job. Honey, I already knew, I’ve always known. Everything he’s ever done in life has been dangerous. I don’t know it like he does, in person, but yes, I know it can be life or death. It’s stressful. I get it. Sometimes I feel it’s so much more stressful for the people around you who care about you. Because we’re powerless. Even though we have no obligation to each other, I’ll always worry and I’ll always think of you. If something happened…I…I’d be utterly devastated. This is why I don’t want to stay out of touch with him. The idea of not knowing if he’s OK is just unbearable.

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