Workout

I just finished working out. I’ve found that a really good motivator to go workout is when everyone is at home because I try to get away. Don’t get me wrong, the social part is nice, to tell someone about the dumb stuff that happened at work, or that obnoxious driver or how cute Liana is. But. BUT.

In other news, I brought up the courage to text M again today. My last text to him was Memorial day, so Monday, and it broke my heart again to have him be so curt with me. That’s when I decided I need to just stop altogether so I consciously stopped thinking about him, about us and just started getting back to normal like before we met. I’ve been doing really well, but it’s been nagging me that his stuff is still here. I’m surprised he never asked for them back, so I’d been meaning to ask him to meet with me to give them back. However, as I imagined the meeting, I hadn’t been able to ask because I needed to get myself to the point where I will be able to do it without getting emotional. Honestly, it’ll probably get that way, but the more resentful I can make myself about him, the easier it will be. So I texted him today about it. I sensed a sadness with his short replies, but what am I supposed to do? He can’t do this weekend, but there’s no real rush, so whenever is fine, and truthfully  that’s more time for me to build up the strength to do it.

Let it be known for the record that I do not resent him as a person. Our relationship had many, many holes and wrongs from me and him and in retrospect was doomed from about last August. You could even argue that it was doomed from the get-go, but I choose to remember the good things, the  pure happiness and joy. I focus on the resentment in order to overcome my pain, but only for the short-term.

I must be hiding it well because my mom casually brought him up a few times the other day and I neither flinched nor freaked out about it. No one has said anything at work either and one of my coworkers slipped and joked about my “boyfriend patient” before realizing herself, but it didn’t bother me. I guess I’ve been acting so normal no one really thinks about it.

Anyways, I was happy with my workout today. I pushed myself more than I have recently (been getting much softer lately with the depression bit and no motivation), so that the sweat would come, to the point where one of my ankle weight sand bags came out I was moving around so much. Then I moved to the punching bag because the song was good for it and it turned out to be much more than I intended. Deep rooted pain and anger came flowing out of me and I beat the hell out of the thing. Gave it all I had, put it all out there in my fists, clenched my teeth and just released it all. Felt good, but stirred up the pot again. I really had been holding it in. Pain. That’s what I wanted. Physical pain. Then, ironically, the perfect song came on right after my cascade of anger petered out. It’s so heartfelt and perfect I’m going to put the lyrics here. Ended my emotional diarrhea with some light Total Gyming and releasing my heart into the song. YouTube it if you’d like. She’s one of my favorite artists.

 Yesterday

Artist: Anh Minh

Don’t want to start over
We’ll never make it together
Been there, done that before
I don’t wanna take another chance

How did we get so far
No chance of staying forever
Broken from the start
Now regret is all that I know

We’re better on our own
Take back those reckless nights,
Your sweet embrace
It’s time I let you go

No reason to hold on
I wanna forget your touch,
Forget your taste
Forget our yesterday!

Refrain:

Take this pain away with every sweet memory!
I don’t want, I don’t want to trouble you anymore
Take this heart away with everything’s haunting me
I don’t want, I don’t want to hurt another day

I’m gonna turn away, turn away
Turn away, turn away
Walk away, find a way
To erase yesterday

We’ve walked this line before
Couldn’t hold it together
Our love has run its course
The story’s come to an end

I wanna get over
The dreams of us before
I’d rather not have known
You can have our memories

We’re better on our own
Take back those reckless nights,
Your sweet embrace
It’s time I let you go

No reason to hold on
I wanna forget your touch,
Forget your taste
Forget our yesterday!

(refrain)

I wanna be the one you miss

We shouldn’t’ve let it end like this…

Find a way, try to erase yesterday!!!!!

(refrain)

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s