Workout

I just finished working out. I’ve found that a really good motivator to go workout is when everyone is at home because I try to get away. Don’t get me wrong, the social part is nice, to tell someone about the dumb stuff that happened at work, or that obnoxious driver or how cute Liana is. But. BUT.

In other news, I brought up the courage to text M again today. My last text to him was Memorial day, so Monday, and it broke my heart again to have him be so curt with me. That’s when I decided I need to just stop altogether so I consciously stopped thinking about him, about us and just started getting back to normal like before we met. I’ve been doing really well, but it’s been nagging me that his stuff is still here. I’m surprised he never asked for them back, so I’d been meaning to ask him to meet with me to give them back. However, as I imagined the meeting, I hadn’t been able to ask because I needed to get myself to the point where I will be able to do it without getting emotional. Honestly, it’ll probably get that way, but the more resentful I can make myself about him, the easier it will be. So I texted him today about it. I sensed a sadness with his short replies, but what am I supposed to do? He can’t do this weekend, but there’s no real rush, so whenever is fine, and truthfully  that’s more time for me to build up the strength to do it.

Let it be known for the record that I do not resent him as a person. Our relationship had many, many holes and wrongs from me and him and in retrospect was doomed from about last August. You could even argue that it was doomed from the get-go, but I choose to remember the good things, the  pure happiness and joy. I focus on the resentment in order to overcome my pain, but only for the short-term.

I must be hiding it well because my mom casually brought him up a few times the other day and I neither flinched nor freaked out about it. No one has said anything at work either and one of my coworkers slipped and joked about my “boyfriend patient” before realizing herself, but it didn’t bother me. I guess I’ve been acting so normal no one really thinks about it.

Anyways, I was happy with my workout today. I pushed myself more than I have recently (been getting much softer lately with the depression bit and no motivation), so that the sweat would come, to the point where one of my ankle weight sand bags came out I was moving around so much. Then I moved to the punching bag because the song was good for it and it turned out to be much more than I intended. Deep rooted pain and anger came flowing out of me and I beat the hell out of the thing. Gave it all I had, put it all out there in my fists, clenched my teeth and just released it all. Felt good, but stirred up the pot again. I really had been holding it in. Pain. That’s what I wanted. Physical pain. Then, ironically, the perfect song came on right after my cascade of anger petered out. It’s so heartfelt and perfect I’m going to put the lyrics here. Ended my emotional diarrhea with some light Total Gyming and releasing my heart into the song. YouTube it if you’d like. She’s one of my favorite artists.

 Yesterday

Artist: Anh Minh

Don’t want to start over
We’ll never make it together
Been there, done that before
I don’t wanna take another chance

How did we get so far
No chance of staying forever
Broken from the start
Now regret is all that I know

We’re better on our own
Take back those reckless nights,
Your sweet embrace
It’s time I let you go

No reason to hold on
I wanna forget your touch,
Forget your taste
Forget our yesterday!

Refrain:

Take this pain away with every sweet memory!
I don’t want, I don’t want to trouble you anymore
Take this heart away with everything’s haunting me
I don’t want, I don’t want to hurt another day

I’m gonna turn away, turn away
Turn away, turn away
Walk away, find a way
To erase yesterday

We’ve walked this line before
Couldn’t hold it together
Our love has run its course
The story’s come to an end

I wanna get over
The dreams of us before
I’d rather not have known
You can have our memories

We’re better on our own
Take back those reckless nights,
Your sweet embrace
It’s time I let you go

No reason to hold on
I wanna forget your touch,
Forget your taste
Forget our yesterday!

(refrain)

I wanna be the one you miss

We shouldn’t’ve let it end like this…

Find a way, try to erase yesterday!!!!!

(refrain)

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BARK BARK BARK

Was out walking the dogs on this beautiful Friday morning in late spring (a playing-hooky kind of day). Other resident dog walkers were out too. We were turning our corner when I hear yelling and the guy walking his dog across the street stopped walking. Soon thereafter we hear a “NOO” and the mouth it belongs to: a jogger guy and his shepherd dog. The repeated “NOO, NOO” he keeps bellowing at the dog as they run our direction is very loud for early morning, and obviously seeing the possibly  out of control dog coming up on us at high speed, I stop too, a distance away to let them pass. He suddenly sees us and we receive another, “NOOO, leave her. Leave them.” He had seen Liana but not Gable. Liana, of course, wild child that she is, is very interested in dog-in-elevated-state-of-stress (definitely male, given Gable’s complete lack of interest…he only likes girls) and as the shepherd passes in front of us, you can kind of see the guy pulling back on him and running forward and the dog staring at us, close mouthed and big eyed and a bit miserable but excited. All very comical, really. They pass behind the big bush, out of sight, and Liana suddenly starts whining loudly (in her deep, throaty kind of way), feeling suddenly agitated herself, and barks after them, so I have to command her to back up and stop the reaction. It’s a quick response and she looks up at me not with remorse or apology for acting out, or fear of my reprimand, just worry. She is my barometer for dogs. I trust her reaction to them.

Haha. Gable…no girl? Meh.

My brother and I were having a major discussion about our current situation and future goals here, impeding my working out. I haven’t worked out since Tuesday. Or was that Monday? It spanned 2 hours. Our lives are taking a hard hit right now. My monster of a father is making it all worse, but my mom doesn’t help either. Can’t change what’s already been done, but I’ve been trying so hard to break out of this pattern it’s so very frustrating. Unfortunately for me nothing can happen until next year and even then it might even be another year after that.

I don’t plan on joining the dating world again until I get my own place, but that doesn’t sound plausible for almost 2 years??? Geez. I don’t know if I can wait that long. This biological clock is really ticking away. I know that good things come to those who wait, but how much longer? I’m so tired of my blocked lifestyle right now.

In regard to heartache and heartbreak, I’m about 90% over him. Every so often in the car when a song picks up, I’ll think about it and am sad again, but I’m strengthened and defended by what he couldn’t do for me despite everything I did for him. My brain has won and my heart has gone into its cage again. Rattles around every so often. In fact, I am ready to find another, a better.

…I still need to give him back his stuff. Can I do it…?

 You know, listening to my plethora of songs in my car for 2 weeks now, it’s absolutely amazing how many of them deal with heartache. Is that one of the only reason people write songs? Anyways, its rather comforting to know that so many before more me, new and old, have experienced the same set of emotions. Tale as old as time, indeed. And of course, being me, I find it all very fascinating from an observational perspective.