It has been a WHILE since I’ve knocked myself that hard on anything at work, but there you go! I was seeing my senior in HS patient so I had to play it cool, but by golly it HURT.
I was talking to my family about my fear of thunderstorms, and as it turns out, they were completely unaware of the magnitude of my fear. Really, it must borderline phobia or be the real deal. I can’t even help how my body responds to lightning and heavy rain in anticipation of thunder. Tachycardia, hypertension, increased respiration, diaphoresis. It’s bad in the car too, but the advantage I have there is that I have a goal to complete (ie, get home) so I’m more focused. My own family! Doesn’t know! Must have been hiding it well.
The A/C was screwy at work AGAIN so it was freaking HOT and humid all day long. It caused me to consider the possibility of naked dentistry. Can you imagine? HAHA. Had some good laughs with coworkers there. “Scoot closer in the chair towards me, please.” Rests boobs on large male’s head. “Welcome to our practice where the patient population is 90% male and 10% female.” “I want that hygienist next time, heh heh.” OSHA would come down so fast and hard on us it would make our minds spin. Seriously, though, bare skin would have been amazing. And as I called it earlier in the day, A/C finally kicks in right after we finish our last patients of the day.
Which brings me to the main topic of this post: telling the future.
I’ve always had this uncanny ability to, well, know what’s about to happen. Over the years I decided that it’s not psychic abilities as being able to deduce well given the available information. Like, reading a situation and predicting the outcome. However, not all instances can be explained that way, such as getting a gut feeling that there’s a cop nearby, so be careful, or hmm I would usually go around this slow person, but let’s not do that today, and later wow I’m so glad I didn’t go around them or that could have been me! This is why I’ve learned to wholly trust my gut.
Even in my failed relationship, I’d been saying from the very beginning or knowing within myself what exactly would go wrong. When he got accepted into Fire Academy I was happy for him, but I was mostly overwhelmed by grief. Why? Because I knew that it was the end of us. That he would change to accommodate his new life. I even said as such in the poems I wrote him. And guess what? Even knowing that and trying so very hard to keep us together, it ultimately was what broke our glue. If I went back into my blog entries or poems or diary entries, I would be able to confirm that.
Just because you know the future doesn’t mean you can change it. When I bought the other house in the hopes of moving down there, I already knew I’d keep the house for about 5 years and then sell it. Unplanned to the year, but it will be 5 years since I bought the house that I plan to sell it. In a similar topic, I pretty much knew that my sister wouldn’t only be living there for a few months, but I hoped and hoped that because she is my sister that it wouldn’t be like I thought it’d be. Alas.
Why can’t I predict things like the lottery? So usually, it’s not big events that I predict with accuracy. It may sound all sketch and unusual, but you can ask the people around me about this ability of mine. Sometimes when I think about it, it’s kind of scary.
So how? I don’t know, but I have theories. It ranges from the spirit of my dead twin (we strongly suspect I had a twin in utero that didn’t make it) residing with me and whispering to me help through my life, to just being more in tune with the spiritual world than most people. If you’ve ever seen how spirit mediums work, they don’t actually get talked to in the sense that I’m holding a conversation with a person. They get a sensation, an idea, a vague image and occasionally a singular word will pop up. Sometimes I feel the same way: I get a notion, an idea, not really an image or words but an inkling. It’s hard to explain. This is why when I read people it’s not just body or tone but more than that. It’s a feeling. I assume that’s how dogs and animals work? Scientists would explain that maybe I’m more sensitive to electro-magnetic fields. I’ll be the first to put it out there and I’m not scared to admit that I believe in ghosts. I’ve experienced a few in my life. Even my vivid dreams sometimes I feel like are not my own. Sometimes I dream travel and have others travel into mine.
I initially thought M could sense it too, a strange phenomenon with males, because most mediums are female. Actually, I know he could sense it. That was one of the things that drew me to him: that he was very perceptive for a male. However, as soon as he opened himself up to the possibility, he shut it down HARD. Towards the end it certainly was NOT there anymore. I guess it can be scary if you’re not spiritually strong. In my opinion that’s how possessions happen. I believe that some people are spirit magnets. And it’s true, his spiritual strength is not strong. It exists but not enough. Gosh. In so many ways he has so much potential, but he doesn’t know it or doesn’t want to know it. He won’t open himself to it. That’s the worst to me; having the ability but fearing it so you beat it down and lock it up.
If you start opening your mind to this stuff, you need to be both mentally and spiritually confident else something terrible happen. My spirit is unwavering so I don’t fear the potential attacks…at least so far. Granted I haven’t had to fight off anything crazy. Just my insane dad. My brother and sister don’t have it and are not in tune at all. Maybe that’s why animals like me? Balance. Calm. Without it, you lose control. Don’t give into the negative. Believe. With all your soul.
Why can’t I use it for lottery? Bluh. Actually, there was one time that I swore up and down that I’d found a million dollar winner scratcher. My entire being was convinced of it, but whenever I went to act on it, body shaking in anticipation, the button wouldn’t work to spit it out. WTF. I tried twice, weeks apart from each other. It never worked. And the feeling passed. That scratcher run ended soon thereafter.
Beh. I hope work isn’t a sauna again tomorrow. It’s unbearable and really takes a toll on me.