Day 8

Good news, everyone!

I went an entire day without being stupid sad or wallowing in any negative emotion! In fact, I think I managed 90% of the day laughing, smiling, enjoying life and everything. It’s amazing what family and food can do for you. Relaxed atmosphere. The perfect ground for clarity of thought. Just changing the environment you’re in for a couple hours is enough to air out the negative emotions, provided it’s relaxing and happy.

My brain is winning this fight. This addiction. Little by little my heart is forgetting, forgiving (both parties), and looking ahead to the future. I think several key factors have been responsible for this.

  • First, the environment, as I mentioned before. Just getting out and about and distancing myself from the negative sphere. Sunny weather is also helpful.
  • Second, venting or working through a separate but similar problem that someone else had. My family and I were ranting and venting about my dad, me flying into my analytical course to help stay neutral. About 3/4 of the way in, I realized how similar it all was. Not the same, at all, because M is not my father. Heck, I don’t think very many people at all can come close to what he is right now. But it was good to think of the good times and that he wasn’t all like this forever, as well as I figure out why he is the way he is. Basically the conclusion was that he is so resentful of everyone because in the end the one he is most resentful of is himself. That epiphany came to me and immediately my mind went right to my own situation. Then I realized I’d known it all along leagues before I got into a relationship: In order to love others, you must first love yourself. And by that it means that you must love all your flaws and strengths, together. You can substitute any word into that: know, forgive, enjoy, make peace with, etc. It’s all the same, because it starts within yourself. That. That broke the guilt inside me. I no longer felt responsible or guilty.
  • Third, laughter. Laughing is so amazing. Smiling. Even if I didn’t feel it 100%, that smile, that laugh meant everything.
  • Fourth, my circle of support. Be that my dogs, my family, friends near and far, or even the stranger that stopped to smile and talk to me. They make me smile because they care, no matter how little. I appreciate it very much.
  • Fifth, not being a clean cut. Now, this might be one-sided because most people like a clean cut for a reason. However, if I had to cut it clean I might have lost it altogether. The ability to text him still and get a curt response is powerful. I always knew, even when I suggested it, that he’s the type of guy who wants it or not. Actually most guys do, I think. Maybe the inability to multitask or just not caring enough. Lack of empathy? I dunno. Maybe it’s just because every interaction is pain and continual pain in men is unbearable and progressively worse, the opposite of a typical woman.

Like a snowball, it takes a push to get that ball rolling out my pit. I’m still not all the way out, but I’m seeing the surface.  I still feel like there’s a part of me that’s missing. Something that was beside me and is no longer/fading away. It may seem farfetched, but there is an intangible bond that exists between souls. I can feel them, especially the closer I am to that person; yet another reason why I must be in your presence otherwise I am blind. It’s not just body language and speech tone. There’s aura too, that ethereal side to life. Dreams. Thoughts. Feelings. Anyways, I am no longer able to connect well. Reception is bad and I can’t seem to get a stable connection anymore. That pushes me away much faster.

I found myself today thinking about things that I love that he didn’t much care for at all and how that would’ve been awful if a few years down the line when it stops being able to be forgiven. Like I would have been bored to tears and increasingly frustrated with his wall-like personality. It’s just sad because I got to witness and pull out of him the happy-go-lucky side. The more adventurous side. Didn’t last very long, though, as he started pulling in again, even though he would keep telling me how fun that particular event was, or that he liked doing that thing with me. It was bad that I eventually had to keep walking on eggshells around him. I’m a happy person overall and extremely game to try anything. Anything at all. To the point of bodily injury. He had in his head (from past relationships? movies?) that since I’m a girl I would never be able to make up my mind about food and that when I said I didn’t care where we ate, that I did care. Um. I remember having no clue at all what he was talking about because when I say we can eat anywhere, I mean it. I can’t eat seafood, but doesn’t mean you can’t. I’m not picky. I really am not picky. When I say I want to do anything, I mean that. I have so many interests and such a strong desire to experience and learn, I don’t mind trying things.  Barring it being too expensive or morally wrong or breaking the law or putting my life in danger, yeah I’ll try it. Just to see you smile. I’ll do it. I’m also competitive. Sitting around at home? That’s cool. I just want to be in your presence. That’s it. You don’t have to feed me, I am self-sufficient.

I just know so much about him but he doesn’t know much about me. I get that I’m a pro at noticing things about people and situations because, like I keep saying, I read people. Therefore, I don’t expect people to get me like I get others (that’d be cool though). Neither do I expect people to remember everything, even though I remember lots of things easily (except these days the memory bit is getting much worse). I just wanted him to notice enough about me to know little things like my favorite color or food or take the time to pick something out that he thought I might like. For Valentine’s, Christmas, or my birthday I remember being always disappointed because he stopped getting me things he thought I’d like, and just asking me what I wanted. I told him I like anything and everything because it was from him. My most treasured possessions from him are the Camelback water bottle and the Yak Trax, because he just gave them to me out of his own thoughtfulness, and not as a reactionary thing or obligation.

I guess…I guess it’s a good thing that I’m thinking of all the wrongs and negatives. It will continue to fuel my journey away from the pain and him and guide me to what I ultimately want. I mentioned in the past that I just couldn’t ever picture the two of us travelling to some awesome place together, or lying on the beach or taking a roadtrip. See? My brain had always known. Always. My heart just didn’t care. And that flawed desire to “fix” or “help.” The hope is, of course, that I was able to give him a glimpse of happiness.

Come on heart, realize it. Understand that you can’t do anything to help anymore. You’ve done all you can. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. It’s not giving up, because the invitation has been given multiple times. If he takes it, he takes it, if he doesn’t, then OK. If anything you’re making it worse for him.

But yeah…I can feel him pull into himself, into that dark place and that he’s put up that steel barrier. My hand is always there if he wants to take it, but I don’t think he will. As for me, I’ll continue my journey and look to the future. I need to take the hands of those who are reaching out for me to grab on to.




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