Saturday

It’s memorial weekend! Buh. This would of course make me more sad because memorial day is remembering the servicemen and women. Not to mention he had been with me all weekend last year. That’s the curse of having good memory. I remember things. Most things. Things people would otherwise forget easily.

No real plans. Going to be heading down South in a little bit here for the dogs. Not sure when I’ll be back. More rain in the forecast, though, so meh. I guess I’ll get the fertilizer down finally. Only real plans are trying not to be sad.

My mom told me yesterday about her dream. She dreamed about M, said she knew it was him because of the way he was standing. He stopped an arm’s length from her, pointed, and said, “Don’t forget about me.” Then he turned and walked away into the crowd. She said it disturbed her. What I didn’t tell her is that it disturbed me too, but in a different way. You see, for the past few weeks before the breakup, I had the same dream every night, night after night. He would appear in front of me, hug or kiss me briefly, turn and disappear into the crowd. What are the odds?

I’ve gotten  progressively better, but progressively worse at the same time. I can talk about him to people now and it doesn’t faze me too much anymore, but at the same time, the more my brain has been working to convince my heart to give it up, the more I lose control. I mentioned that it’s the car and right before I fall sleep that gets me crying. Well, yesterday in the light traffic I sat in, I was really losing it. Big time. Morning and afternoon. Why does every song I own having to deal with breakups or healing have to come on when I’m in the car? How can I ever get my head and heart on the same track again?

One of my old suitors must have noticed because he’s been really moving in on me, posting things to me, etc so much more than in the past few months when I heard literally nothing from him. Maybe I emit a vibe? Coincidence? PHEROMONES. And the original suitor from California, the first one I was ever interested in with whom I have conversations with every so often, and I had a lengthy discussion on one of his rare off days from UPS. Talking about relationships and such. We connected so well we both ended up wishing what we did in the beginning: that we weren’t at opposite ends of the nation. He really is,  the type of guy I’ve always been looking for: church man, sweet, thoughtful, trusting to a fault, video game fan, overall fun guy, willing to do things, open. I know, of course, that in person is always so much different than online, but he’s got it all so far. I know my own faults and failures, and I’ll gladly tell anyone them, but it’s being able to deal with them that matters. Like each other enough that you can overcome that. Most of the time. It’s true that having low self-esteem is really one of my biggest pet peeves to deal with in a person, given that mine is so high to the point of overconfidence, but I’d at that point strive to make them confident. I’m always manipulating people anyways, what’s the difference? Give me something to do, huh?

In talking to him, though, it’s amazing, looking back on all of it, everything since I first started online dating, how much of a detriment it is to be a strong woman. Headstrong. Dominant. Independent. I feel like males still hold on to the ideal/idea that men are supposed to fill that role. I mentioned to him that I went on a first date once at an arcade where I beat the guy in pretty much everything we did and he really didn’t like that. I never flaunt my wins…honestly I don’t care whether I win or lose. I just care about having fun…but it doesn’t stop me from trying my best to win. I’ll never forget that.

People don’t like a know-it-all, but males REALLY don’t like it. I know I have the tendency to seem like I’m talking down to people and not listen to what they have to say because I have my own opinions. I noticed that at work, that tendency of mine has actually had an impact on those around me: they’re pretty opinionated now too. Much more than they were in the past. Gotta keep up, I guess, lol. I value everyone’s ideas and opinions. I don’t ever mean to demean yours even if I’m touting mine. It’s just something you have to get used to of my tendencies. More than likely it’s because I’ve accomplished life goals faster than most people, but at this point people my age have caught up or surpassed me. I’m not afraid to let you know if I don’t understand or know something. I like being taught as much as I love teaching and sharing my own knowledge. There’s virtually never just one way to go about things. I get it, I know, I understand that and I value it. People get offended around me, but please don’t. I’m just sharing my own experiences.

I just…wish I knew it more. M always tried to make me understand things, but talk about being blind in the relationship…I had my ideal there and what I wanted and didn’t stop to consider his…in stark contrast to what I just mentioned above. I can do it for other people and my friends, but I couldn’t do it for him. There are many little things I should have just stopped and given in to, or considered and agreed with him. But, I did always feel resentment in always being the one to start everything or recommend this and that. Was it one-sided because I made it that way? Did I alienate him? So this was my doing after all? Making assumptions for him without asking him first. So many things wrong. I mean there were times I wish he would just make the decision already, stop blaming me, and let’s do something original! Different! You pay for this this time. Be thoughtful of me like I’m always thinking of you! Dominating to the point where he just gave up. So many expectations he was doomed to fail from the beginning.

Then again was I wrong in wanting to be taken care of too? I can take care of, because I take care of lots of people in my life. All of my family depends on me. Did I make them that way? I make myself to be so important and significant in people’s lives that they look to me and I turn around and complain about having to take care of everyone why can’t they take care of me?

Oh man. I don’t know. I’m confusing myself now.

Well no matter what, I know that I definitively can NOT handle a long distance relationship. We can still be close, but far away if I can’t see them several times a week. Given my reliance upon reading bodies and auras and people I am 100% blind if I don’t see someone. I’m so crippled it freaks me out and then all sorts of crazy stuff like assumptions, suspicions, anxieties arise in me. One day feels like a week, and so on and so forth! I mean, you can tell from these posts alone how crazy my brain gets and fast too! Another curse of a fast-operating brain. Stupid Dark Blood obsessiveness.

I hope this all gets better soon and I can just balance. Obviously.. OBVIOUSLY I am NOT ready to jump into another relationship at all. I need to exercise more control over my very worst character flaw: impatience. The vast majority of my problems in life can be traced down to this one trait. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry to everyone affected by it. Especially M.

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