Here we go again

How long has it been? 6 days? GOD it feels like it’s been 3 months! I am not doing well. It’s like trying to kick an addiction. Actually that’s probably a really good description of it. I thought maybe taking the long drive, dealing with different people, seeing my house, doing hard physical labor would go a long way to help me out, but now, almost 10pm and having gone and done all of that, I’m still frustrated and even MORE frustrated now.

I had plenty of distractions too! A stranger at Lowe’s talked to me randomly, the girl at the Chickfila window was super nice to me, like really charismatic, my brother in law was for some reason really excited that I came down to visit and was bummed that I was leaving the same day, my car is having issues so I was focusing on feeling out the car and seeing what needed to be done, I got to lay outside with my babies at my own house, I sweated, I planted, I spent money, got to see wildlife, took pictures, cut branches, saw apples on my apple tree (4 years in the making!!!!), chased geese off the road with my dogs…and yet.

I’m depressed, aren’t I?

I want nothing more than to be alone. By myself. Dogs are OK. I don’t want people to talk to me. I want to be in a silent place without TV or commentary or people saying things at me. And as usual, I can’t have it. How many times have I complained about this? There’s always someone somewhere and it drives me crazy. I’m not nearly as bad as M though. He takes the cake. I’m at my own house and I can’t have silence or privacy. The lawn is littered with weeds, nothing has been done. I couldn’t even lay outside with my dogs peacefully because everyone was mowing their lawns with no end, not to mention the bugs everywhere. I went down there to get away, but I’m never away. I’m at work dealing with people all week and trying to be peppy and nice. On a normal week I’m good with everything because I’m happy, like usual. There are those times, though, when I’m out and just want silence and alone time. Like now, when I try to deal with these demons assaulting me. My mom and my brother are constantly reminding me of M. I’m trying to come to a balance about him. Stop bringing it up all the time or obviously hinting at it. I know they don’t mean it, but it makes everything so hard.

I wake up in the morning and there are people around. I sit on the couch and there are people there. I’m lying on my bed now and the TV is going on downstairs.

It’s the same old complaints, you know? I KNOW. God damn it all!

And worst of all for me, is that this is a long weekend for the holiday AND my mom is not working for 4 days straight. Freakoids. What do I do? This townhouse is way too small. I can’t just hide somewhere.

I swear this is a major player in why my relationship failed. I never had enough time with him and even when I got time with him, there was always SOMEONE. My brother. My mom. Mostly my brother. Never any privacy for any length of time. Even on his side, there was only once when he had the house to himself for a few months. We had no where to go to just be ourselves and literally do whatever. Feel comfortable. I’m close to my family but being in a relationship is about breaking away and doing my own thing.

IT’S NOT FREAKING FAIR!!!! WHY IS NOTHING FAIR??? We were doomed from the get go. This is why I refuse to get into another relationship soon. It would be the same. Plus I still have my dogs and for whatever reason my mom and brother pretty much refuse to take care of them for me saying it’s “my responsibility” which is true but dammit help me out here. If I had my own place that’d be OK, but I don’t and I can’t. How can I not be resentful of my sister? Huh? I have everything but nothing at all. I have no freedom. Freedom really is everything, isn’t it?

I can’t help but think of how different it would have been if I’d been on my own up here all along with my own house. He probably would have come over and stayed over more. We  probably would have been much closer which would have eliminated most of the issues I was having. He still would have been suffering from the depression, but I would’ve have caused so much heart and headache if…if I could just at least see him. It wouldn’t have been without problems. Not all of them would have disappeared poof. But. I feel like we probably would still be together. That maybe I’d understand better.

That’s what I want, isn’t it? To take back my brashness and that we could still be together…but I’d still be tormented, and I like not having to wonder if I was the problem or not.

Tsk. There’s not point in blaming. No point in wishing. No point in wondering. No taking things back. There’s only memories now, and hope, and…moving on. I can’t control what happens in my life, what situation I’ve been given. I just have to keep in mind that things fall into place that may not seem for the better now, but will ultimately work out. I have to ask myself what I’ve been asking others: you’ve come to an obstacle on the path of life…what do you do now? You can a) sit down a cry; b) find a way around it or c) give up and turn around. I’ve already done choice ‘a’ and ‘c’ is impossible, which only leaves ‘b.’ But how?

My heart still holds tightly on to the prospect that one day he’ll figure it out and ask me to try again with him. God knows if he asked me now I’d say yes in a heartbeat…even if my brain knows that nothing will change right now, not the way our lives are, and we’d have the same problems. You stupid heart. Why did you have to go and fall in love with him anyways? My brain had been fighting the match since the very beginning. And what’s more, why do you hang on with such a grip? He already said he’s just not interested in romance at all. It’s torture to keep on…but I know…I know…that this is killing him too. He can deny it or try to blame the depression, but I am utterly convinced that our love was ever a lie or a farce or a mask. I know genuine when I feel it, when I hear it.

I don’t just like you. I love you. I love you too much.


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