Day 5

You always know that the more I post the less happy I am in life. The more drama is present that I must get out. The more lonely I am.

Overall I’m still doing well. It’s amazing how just knowing why is enough to make me feel better. I wish we could have had that discussion so much earlier, but I don’t think it could have happened because all the factors were right when it all came down. I wasn’t in the mood to listen, and I don’t think he was ready to admit it all. He did try to tell me along the way, but I was in denial and didn’t want to hear it. Both of us were talking to walls and putting on a mask to keep going. I’ve decided over all these years watching relationships around me fall apart that it is almost impossible for relationships to fail without both sides being in the wrong. Nothing is impossible, but it’s highly unlikely that only one person is single-handedly responsible for everything. I’ve never been arrogant enough to think that he was always the one making mistakes. My big problem was I couldn’t understand why. I spent so much time trying to figure out what it was that was wrong with me, what I was doing wrong, bouncing that with his flaws and coming right back to me again.

My job and my commute unfortunately allows me LOTS of time to think and mull and analyze (terrible for the type of obsessive mind I can have). I feel much better about us. I still miss him and I still am so sad about what could have been. I’m spending and inordinate amount of time trying to decide how I can help him now outside the constraints of a romantic relationship, but that’s starting to become peppered with the truth that he probably doesn’t want me to help, and should do it on his own. At least I shouldn’t do anything actively and just literally be there until he asks for my help.

He and others were right when they say I just can’t let go because I spent so much effort in the relationship and it’s a huge blow to let is all go to waste….however, I’m over that. It’s similar to my various projects: Samus costume, Project AoWaM, and myriad of others. I spend tremendous time, effort, and money starting them only to give up or throw it aside and they remain to this day undone. I feel bad, but that feeling only lasts so long before I can move on.  No, I truly and really feel a strong link with this guy, and I can say it a million times and still mean it: I care tremendously about what happens to him.

My eyes cry so easily still, and it’s mostly been in the car or right before I fall asleep. What’s even more amazing, though, is how much more we’ve spoken post-breakup than before. It’s like without that pressure  to have a perfect relationship, we’re free to say things. Both of us, I think, are relieved but are bothered by the failure. It’s nice to not have to worry about resentment or repercussions or anything. Honestly he can curse me out, insult me, whatever he wants and there is no consequence nor obligation. I can do the same.

Interspersed in all of this, I’ve gotten better about communicating to others about him without breaking down instantly. Also, I’ve had moments where my cleared future path makes me happy and snatches of possible future relationships shine through. All very idealistic, of course, which gets shot down by my brain almost immediately because a relationship is a relationship after all with their ups and downs. To expect it to go 100% smoothly is naïve. I am not a very typical female…apparently I forgot how hard it was to find a boyfriend to begin with who would accept all my atypical ideas and values. I’m not up to it right now anyways. I have life issues with my family and such pulling me down and am in no state to try again before the year is over. And anyways, those thoughts always come around to him, because I’m serious that I always want him in my life. I’ll think of prince charming and all of the sudden the next mental image is of introducing him to my dear friend M and how poorly that would go. Or of me hugging M. Or whatever.

Sigh.

I can’t shake that feeling of giving into my fears too soon, though. I feel strongly that I shouldn’t have given in quite yet and stuck it out, but it’s too late now. And I like what we currently have, even though it’s only been 5 days and will likely wane. My friends/family that I’ve been disclosing to have been giving me mixed advice, making it all very difficult for me. Friends are supporting my decision, but family want me to stay with him. Arm’s length is a good compromise for now.

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