Sigh

After my last post I was tormented with indecision. What do I do now? And as usual I finally looked to where I should have looked towards the beginning and I prayed for a sign, guidance as to what to do. I then settled in to sleep, my mind exhausted from back and forths and worry, and everything. I was 70% asleep when he sent me a text. This was after 10, and especially when he’s working, he never sends me one then. It was a surprise. I realized then and there, that was my sign.

The other thoughts and concerns still were working themselves around this morning especially since I had so much time to think about them in the car ride. I had decided I needed to ask another friend about this, so I chose my old friend, also a firefighter. He was impartial and gave me the information I needed. For me, in situations like this I need the most impartial advice and soundboard I can possibly find.

I…can’t go through with it. I have to keep waiting. I was sitting in my car and I remembered how much I love this guy. To be perfectly honest, it’s not that I’m afraid that I won’t be able to love like this again, but it’s because I love like this. It’s so torturing, but I just need to wait. It’s not time yet, not time to start something, not time to make any big decisions. Once I do something like that, I can’t ever take it back. I have to stop letting things play over and over in my head. How do I break that chain? That cycle? A hobby? A different subject? Something else exciting to focus on. Stop wanting what others have and that I assume is “normal” because as another good friend told me, what’s normal in a relationship is between you two and no one else.

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