Ugh

So after getting all riled up this morning with that post, and then talking it through with one of my friends too, I was totally convinced that I’m about to do the right thing by cutting us apart from each other for the benefit of both. I’ve spent all day practicing in my head what and how I’m going to say it (all banking on the fact that he’ll even come see me if not then the backup was why not, just do by text. It’s been an all text relationship what’s the difference), possible arguments, how it could go wrong, what I need, delivery, etc. Through patients, down time, in the car ride home. Making sure I can actually say it without breaking down too much, etc.

Well. I intended to do final prep and practice right before bed (I’m in it now), but all of the sudden, I don’t want to. I feel like I still should, but the gravity of it all suddenly has come down onto my shoulders. It’s already been set up. I’ve prodded him. He’s primed. But it occurred to me that given how smitten with him I still am, the instant I see him, I won’t want to.  Maybe it’s that I’m tired and it’s all worked itself out of my system during the day.

What do I do? Have I been hasty again? Let emotions consume me? But the logic is sound. Perfectly sound. Realistically speaking, I should do this. It’s practical, it’s reasonable. I’m sure by now he’s set in stone himself. He’s ready for what he knows/thinks is coming. It’s ready, all ready for me. And now I get cold feet?

Never in my life would I have ever thought I’d be a slave to love. Then again I’d never been in love. Not this kind of love.

 

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