Ah the big R

Relationship. It’s been a while since I posted about it, huh? Well. That’s about to change.

After tomorrow, my relationship status will definitely be changing for better or worse or middle range.

It’s the same problems over and over with no real end in sight. My post yesterday about being hasty and impatience falls into this topic because it’s true that patience is my one truly lacking feature. Huge downfall for me in many aspects of life in general. It’s a fine line between waiting for things to happen and pushing that ball.

I just got tired of not knowing. Not knowing what is real and what isn’t. Not knowing if it’s getting worse or just going. Either way it’s put me in a perpetual bad mood/anxiety and stresses me out way too much. I may not have had a real relationship before this, but I don’t think it’s normal for me to be feeling like this all the time. As much as I don’t give up and will fight for anything I believe in, I’m not dumb enough to keep swinging at a brick wall until I collapse with nothing but a dent to show for it.

The problem, of course, is if I’m jumping that gun in my hastiness, but I guess I don’t know until I push the envelope. If it was a risk accepting this relationship, then it’s a risk to push it to the brink and see if the margins remain intact or break.

That’s logic speaking there. Hearts have their own mind and feelings. No amount of logic can account for the workings of a heart. That much I’ve learned. No matter what happens pain is essential in love, in some way shape or form. I’ve just experienced lots of pain (possibly most self inflicted) and don’t know if I can handle it much longer. It can’t be healthy to be depressed 50% of the time and have it eat up all my mind processes. I’ve noticed that the only thing that can keep me from thinking about him are video games. I can’t focus on any form of art and even reading isn’t as easy. Art is so emotion and soul based, it makes sense, I guess.

I plan on coming to some sort of conclusion by the end of this week. I shed tears still, but they’re less forthcoming…I take that as a possible sign that I can do it now. Let’s find out what happens. Stay tuned…lol.

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