Bonked My Head Today

It has been a WHILE since I’ve knocked myself that hard on anything at work, but there you go! I was seeing my senior in HS patient so I had to play it cool, but by golly it HURT.

I was talking to my family about my fear of thunderstorms, and as it turns out, they were completely unaware of the magnitude of my fear. Really, it must borderline phobia or be the real deal. I can’t even help how my body responds to lightning and heavy rain in anticipation of thunder. Tachycardia, hypertension, increased respiration, diaphoresis. It’s bad in the car too, but the advantage I have there is that I have a goal to complete (ie, get home) so I’m more focused. My own family! Doesn’t know! Must have been hiding it well.

The A/C was screwy at work AGAIN so it was freaking HOT and humid all day long. It caused me to consider the possibility of naked dentistry. Can you imagine? HAHA. Had some good laughs with coworkers there. “Scoot closer in the chair towards me, please.” Rests boobs on large male’s head. “Welcome to our practice where the patient population is 90% male and 10% female.”  “I want that hygienist next time, heh heh.” OSHA would come down so fast and hard on us it would make our minds spin. Seriously, though, bare skin would have been amazing. And as I called it earlier in the day, A/C finally kicks in right after we finish our last patients of the day.

Which brings me to the main topic of this post: telling the future.

I’ve always had this uncanny ability to, well, know what’s about to happen. Over the years I decided that it’s not psychic abilities as being able to deduce well given the available information. Like, reading a situation and predicting the outcome. However, not all instances can be explained that way, such as getting a gut feeling that there’s a cop nearby, so be careful, or hmm I would usually go around this slow person, but let’s not do that today, and later wow I’m so glad I didn’t go around them or that could have been me! This is why I’ve learned to wholly trust my gut.

Even in my failed relationship, I’d been saying from the very beginning or knowing within myself what exactly would go wrong. When he got accepted into Fire Academy I was happy for him, but I was mostly overwhelmed by grief. Why? Because I knew that it was the end of us. That he would change to accommodate his new life. I even said as such in the poems I wrote him. And guess what? Even knowing that and trying so very hard to keep us together, it ultimately was what broke our glue. If I went back into my blog entries or poems or diary entries, I would be able to confirm that.

Just because you know the future doesn’t mean you can change it. When I bought the other house in the hopes of moving down there, I already knew I’d keep the house for about 5 years and then sell it. Unplanned to the year, but it will be 5 years since I bought the house that I plan to sell it. In a similar topic, I pretty much knew that my sister wouldn’t only be living there for a few months, but I hoped and hoped that because she is my sister that it wouldn’t be like I thought it’d be. Alas.

Why can’t I predict things like the lottery? So usually, it’s not big events that I predict with accuracy. It may sound all sketch and unusual, but you can ask the people around me about this ability of mine. Sometimes when I think about it, it’s kind of scary.

So how? I don’t know, but I have theories. It ranges from the spirit of my dead twin (we strongly suspect I had a twin in utero that didn’t make it) residing with me and whispering to me help through my life, to just being more in tune with the spiritual world than most people. If you’ve ever seen how spirit mediums work, they don’t actually get talked to in the sense that I’m holding a conversation with a person. They get a sensation, an idea, a vague image and occasionally a singular word will pop up. Sometimes I feel the same way: I get a notion, an idea, not really an image or words but an inkling. It’s hard to explain. This is why when I read people it’s not just body or tone but more than that. It’s a feeling. I assume that’s how dogs and animals work? Scientists would explain that maybe I’m more sensitive to electro-magnetic fields. I’ll be the first to put it out there and I’m not scared to admit that I believe in ghosts. I’ve experienced a few in my life. Even my vivid dreams sometimes I feel like are not my own. Sometimes I dream travel and have others travel into mine.

I initially thought M could sense it too, a strange phenomenon with males, because most mediums are female. Actually, I know he could sense it. That was one of the things that drew me to him: that he was very perceptive for a male. However, as soon as he opened himself up to the possibility, he shut it down HARD. Towards the end it certainly was NOT there anymore. I guess it can be scary if you’re not spiritually strong. In my opinion that’s how possessions happen. I believe that some people are spirit magnets. And it’s true, his spiritual strength is not strong. It exists but not enough. Gosh. In so many ways he has so much potential, but he doesn’t know it or doesn’t want to know it. He won’t open himself to it. That’s the worst to me; having the ability but fearing it so you beat it down and lock it up.

If you start opening your mind to this stuff, you need to be both mentally and  spiritually confident else something terrible happen. My spirit is unwavering so I don’t fear the potential attacks…at least so far. Granted I haven’t had to fight off anything crazy. Just my insane dad. My brother and sister don’t have it and are not in tune at all. Maybe that’s why animals like me? Balance. Calm. Without it, you lose control. Don’t give into the negative. Believe. With all your soul.

Why can’t I use it for lottery? Bluh. Actually, there was one time that I swore up and down that I’d found a million dollar winner scratcher. My entire being was convinced of it, but whenever I went to act on it, body shaking in anticipation, the button wouldn’t work to spit it out. WTF. I tried twice, weeks apart from each other. It never worked. And the feeling passed. That scratcher run ended soon thereafter.

Beh. I hope work isn’t a sauna again tomorrow. It’s unbearable and really takes a toll on me.

 

 

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From the Beginning

When I first started online dating, I put it on every profile and I asked everyone I could think of, especially those I was thinking more seriously about: Do you think that men and women can just be friends? It became more important to me after the disintegration of my very first relationship of 3 months.

No one had a real answer. There were yes’s and there were no’s, split both sexes evenly. I read article after article about love and relationships and eventually found information that I settled on, stating, men and women can only remain friends if they either never loved each other or are still in love.

Well, relationship #1 with J, saw me end it because after 3 months I found I didn’t love him, just liked him quite a bit. I wanted to remain friends, but he didn’t want to at all. I think he loved me and I broke his heart. Relationship #2 has officially ended too, but in this case I really loved him and I’m not sure he loves me. He broke my heart. I also wanted to remain friends and he had stated that several months before, the remaining friends, bit (although for the record, I’m not sure he remembers much of what he ever told me…that’s the problem with remembering so easily…it’s hard to forget). I guess it balances out, huh? haha. I thought we were doing well being friends, the first few days, but unless this is how he’s like to his other friends (which I doubt), looks like he’ll be lost to me forever soon.

Anyways, I think I’ve come to the answer to my question, taking into account my own experiences, watching others, and thinking of my friends. I personally believe that it, like life, is what you want it to be. If you want something, it is possible. It’s just harder because in this case two people need to be of the same mindset and desire. So, yes, it’s possible, however dependent on other factors.

No matter how much I want it, a relationship, any relationship, only works if both parties are equally in it. There will be times when the balance is tipped, but it should always equal out again soon. If the scale is tipped one way for too long, the lighter weight will slide off and the heavier weight will suddenly be sent flying.

…I just have to let it be.

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring

I don’t usually allow my dogs in the room with me at night (there are beds in here but they don’t start out in my room. By morning someone has come over though) but given the storm going on tonight for both my and Gable’s sakes this works out. He refused to go to his room and I appreciate his presence. 

I know I’m 3 decades into life but my fear of storms is still true and raw. The rain is growing louder and louder as I type this. Lightning and thunder are occurring as well. Rain, I am ok with because it’s just rain but my blood pressure is definitely elevated and heart is racing just listening to it. The real fear for me is the thunder and I have an association fear of loud rain and lightning. I don’t think I will ever be rid of this. When I’m working I have to remain strong, but believe me it cuts deep. And driving? I swear one of these days I’m going to get a heart attack having to drive through and bad thunderstorm. The dogs make me stronger in that I need to remaim calm for them but to be perfectly honest, they’re much less afraid of storms than I am. They should be comforting me….

…maybe that’s what Gable is doing for me?

I remember, vividly, so many sweat soaked nights of me hiding, horribly frightened underneath the blankets and clutching onto my stuffed animals almost on the verge of panic but trying not to run to my mom because she’d just send me back. All the way through college. Up here the storms don’t get nearly as bad as the south. Hah. How come weather things aren’t so bad in the north?

Maybe I have a phobia. Guh. Thunderstorms and bees. My worst fears.

Food and Gable

I just spent about 15 minutes preparing my burrito for breakfast and about 3 minutes scarfing it down. That has got to be the absolute worst part about cooking; all the blood, sweat and tears and POOF gone in a relative instant. That and the cleanup. Then it occurred to me that love and life are similar: you can spend years on end building it up and then it can all crumble in one action. Not always the case, as some foundations are better and take sapping to compromise the integrity, but that final blow is usually just as simple as a butterfly.

Of course now all I can think of the is The Amazing World of Gumball episode, the Butterfly Effect. Lol. 

Gable. He is an old man. He acts like an old man. He can’t walk far anymore and his desire level to do stuff is incredibly lower than Liana these days. He reminds me of my grandpa now. Just like him. He wants to go places but he wilts within minutes and wants to go inside, on his bed, or better yet, go home. The townhouse is  his house. He loves this place. It’s complicated though because on the other hand, Liana still is full of wanderlust. Down south and yesterday at my grandparent’s house while leading them to the car, instead of following me and standing there to wait like good Gable, she goes off like we’re going on a walk. Down south (time one) she came back when I called like, oh. Ok. But was unhappy. Then yesterday I called her and she went faster like, noooo I don’t want to go home let’s go on a walk. Eventually she came back to me but very begrudgingly. Gable is a good boy as usual. I know she wasn’t trying to run away. She just doesn’t want to go home. She likes places and smells and particularly houses with yards and trees and therefore critters. 

Makes it hard for me…sigh. They’re both old now though. And that makes me sad.

Day 8

Good news, everyone!

I went an entire day without being stupid sad or wallowing in any negative emotion! In fact, I think I managed 90% of the day laughing, smiling, enjoying life and everything. It’s amazing what family and food can do for you. Relaxed atmosphere. The perfect ground for clarity of thought. Just changing the environment you’re in for a couple hours is enough to air out the negative emotions, provided it’s relaxing and happy.

My brain is winning this fight. This addiction. Little by little my heart is forgetting, forgiving (both parties), and looking ahead to the future. I think several key factors have been responsible for this.

  • First, the environment, as I mentioned before. Just getting out and about and distancing myself from the negative sphere. Sunny weather is also helpful.
  • Second, venting or working through a separate but similar problem that someone else had. My family and I were ranting and venting about my dad, me flying into my analytical course to help stay neutral. About 3/4 of the way in, I realized how similar it all was. Not the same, at all, because M is not my father. Heck, I don’t think very many people at all can come close to what he is right now. But it was good to think of the good times and that he wasn’t all like this forever, as well as I figure out why he is the way he is. Basically the conclusion was that he is so resentful of everyone because in the end the one he is most resentful of is himself. That epiphany came to me and immediately my mind went right to my own situation. Then I realized I’d known it all along leagues before I got into a relationship: In order to love others, you must first love yourself. And by that it means that you must love all your flaws and strengths, together. You can substitute any word into that: know, forgive, enjoy, make peace with, etc. It’s all the same, because it starts within yourself. That. That broke the guilt inside me. I no longer felt responsible or guilty.
  • Third, laughter. Laughing is so amazing. Smiling. Even if I didn’t feel it 100%, that smile, that laugh meant everything.
  • Fourth, my circle of support. Be that my dogs, my family, friends near and far, or even the stranger that stopped to smile and talk to me. They make me smile because they care, no matter how little. I appreciate it very much.
  • Fifth, not being a clean cut. Now, this might be one-sided because most people like a clean cut for a reason. However, if I had to cut it clean I might have lost it altogether. The ability to text him still and get a curt response is powerful. I always knew, even when I suggested it, that he’s the type of guy who wants it or not. Actually most guys do, I think. Maybe the inability to multitask or just not caring enough. Lack of empathy? I dunno. Maybe it’s just because every interaction is pain and continual pain in men is unbearable and progressively worse, the opposite of a typical woman.

Like a snowball, it takes a push to get that ball rolling out my pit. I’m still not all the way out, but I’m seeing the surface.  I still feel like there’s a part of me that’s missing. Something that was beside me and is no longer/fading away. It may seem farfetched, but there is an intangible bond that exists between souls. I can feel them, especially the closer I am to that person; yet another reason why I must be in your presence otherwise I am blind. It’s not just body language and speech tone. There’s aura too, that ethereal side to life. Dreams. Thoughts. Feelings. Anyways, I am no longer able to connect well. Reception is bad and I can’t seem to get a stable connection anymore. That pushes me away much faster.

I found myself today thinking about things that I love that he didn’t much care for at all and how that would’ve been awful if a few years down the line when it stops being able to be forgiven. Like I would have been bored to tears and increasingly frustrated with his wall-like personality. It’s just sad because I got to witness and pull out of him the happy-go-lucky side. The more adventurous side. Didn’t last very long, though, as he started pulling in again, even though he would keep telling me how fun that particular event was, or that he liked doing that thing with me. It was bad that I eventually had to keep walking on eggshells around him. I’m a happy person overall and extremely game to try anything. Anything at all. To the point of bodily injury. He had in his head (from past relationships? movies?) that since I’m a girl I would never be able to make up my mind about food and that when I said I didn’t care where we ate, that I did care. Um. I remember having no clue at all what he was talking about because when I say we can eat anywhere, I mean it. I can’t eat seafood, but doesn’t mean you can’t. I’m not picky. I really am not picky. When I say I want to do anything, I mean that. I have so many interests and such a strong desire to experience and learn, I don’t mind trying things.  Barring it being too expensive or morally wrong or breaking the law or putting my life in danger, yeah I’ll try it. Just to see you smile. I’ll do it. I’m also competitive. Sitting around at home? That’s cool. I just want to be in your presence. That’s it. You don’t have to feed me, I am self-sufficient.

I just know so much about him but he doesn’t know much about me. I get that I’m a pro at noticing things about people and situations because, like I keep saying, I read people. Therefore, I don’t expect people to get me like I get others (that’d be cool though). Neither do I expect people to remember everything, even though I remember lots of things easily (except these days the memory bit is getting much worse). I just wanted him to notice enough about me to know little things like my favorite color or food or take the time to pick something out that he thought I might like. For Valentine’s, Christmas, or my birthday I remember being always disappointed because he stopped getting me things he thought I’d like, and just asking me what I wanted. I told him I like anything and everything because it was from him. My most treasured possessions from him are the Camelback water bottle and the Yak Trax, because he just gave them to me out of his own thoughtfulness, and not as a reactionary thing or obligation.

I guess…I guess it’s a good thing that I’m thinking of all the wrongs and negatives. It will continue to fuel my journey away from the pain and him and guide me to what I ultimately want. I mentioned in the past that I just couldn’t ever picture the two of us travelling to some awesome place together, or lying on the beach or taking a roadtrip. See? My brain had always known. Always. My heart just didn’t care. And that flawed desire to “fix” or “help.” The hope is, of course, that I was able to give him a glimpse of happiness.

Come on heart, realize it. Understand that you can’t do anything to help anymore. You’ve done all you can. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. It’s not giving up, because the invitation has been given multiple times. If he takes it, he takes it, if he doesn’t, then OK. If anything you’re making it worse for him.

But yeah…I can feel him pull into himself, into that dark place and that he’s put up that steel barrier. My hand is always there if he wants to take it, but I don’t think he will. As for me, I’ll continue my journey and look to the future. I need to take the hands of those who are reaching out for me to grab on to.

 

 

Memorial Day

On this Memorial Day, I have many people to remember. It may be a holiday to honor the fallen in war in defense of what they perceive to be right, but to me it’s more than that. For me it includes those living and those who have passed and not died (probably Remembrance Day would be more correct). Even if it’s designated for soldiers, it is a federal holiday and since we don’t collectively honor Remembrance day or even Veteran’s Day much like Memorial Day, I group them all together. And why not? Should not every day be remembering those who have paid the ultimate price? Doesn’t have to be a singular day and then forget about it the rest of the year.

Anyways. I’d like to take the opportunity to dedicate today to all of those who have touched my life and are not here today. Family, friends, patients, teachers. Maybe I should take their names down somewhere, lest I ever forget.

Here we go again

How long has it been? 6 days? GOD it feels like it’s been 3 months! I am not doing well. It’s like trying to kick an addiction. Actually that’s probably a really good description of it. I thought maybe taking the long drive, dealing with different people, seeing my house, doing hard physical labor would go a long way to help me out, but now, almost 10pm and having gone and done all of that, I’m still frustrated and even MORE frustrated now.

I had plenty of distractions too! A stranger at Lowe’s talked to me randomly, the girl at the Chickfila window was super nice to me, like really charismatic, my brother in law was for some reason really excited that I came down to visit and was bummed that I was leaving the same day, my car is having issues so I was focusing on feeling out the car and seeing what needed to be done, I got to lay outside with my babies at my own house, I sweated, I planted, I spent money, got to see wildlife, took pictures, cut branches, saw apples on my apple tree (4 years in the making!!!!), chased geese off the road with my dogs…and yet.

I’m depressed, aren’t I?

I want nothing more than to be alone. By myself. Dogs are OK. I don’t want people to talk to me. I want to be in a silent place without TV or commentary or people saying things at me. And as usual, I can’t have it. How many times have I complained about this? There’s always someone somewhere and it drives me crazy. I’m not nearly as bad as M though. He takes the cake. I’m at my own house and I can’t have silence or privacy. The lawn is littered with weeds, nothing has been done. I couldn’t even lay outside with my dogs peacefully because everyone was mowing their lawns with no end, not to mention the bugs everywhere. I went down there to get away, but I’m never away. I’m at work dealing with people all week and trying to be peppy and nice. On a normal week I’m good with everything because I’m happy, like usual. There are those times, though, when I’m out and just want silence and alone time. Like now, when I try to deal with these demons assaulting me. My mom and my brother are constantly reminding me of M. I’m trying to come to a balance about him. Stop bringing it up all the time or obviously hinting at it. I know they don’t mean it, but it makes everything so hard.

I wake up in the morning and there are people around. I sit on the couch and there are people there. I’m lying on my bed now and the TV is going on downstairs.

It’s the same old complaints, you know? I KNOW. God damn it all!

And worst of all for me, is that this is a long weekend for the holiday AND my mom is not working for 4 days straight. Freakoids. What do I do? This townhouse is way too small. I can’t just hide somewhere.

I swear this is a major player in why my relationship failed. I never had enough time with him and even when I got time with him, there was always SOMEONE. My brother. My mom. Mostly my brother. Never any privacy for any length of time. Even on his side, there was only once when he had the house to himself for a few months. We had no where to go to just be ourselves and literally do whatever. Feel comfortable. I’m close to my family but being in a relationship is about breaking away and doing my own thing.

IT’S NOT FREAKING FAIR!!!! WHY IS NOTHING FAIR??? We were doomed from the get go. This is why I refuse to get into another relationship soon. It would be the same. Plus I still have my dogs and for whatever reason my mom and brother pretty much refuse to take care of them for me saying it’s “my responsibility” which is true but dammit help me out here. If I had my own place that’d be OK, but I don’t and I can’t. How can I not be resentful of my sister? Huh? I have everything but nothing at all. I have no freedom. Freedom really is everything, isn’t it?

I can’t help but think of how different it would have been if I’d been on my own up here all along with my own house. He probably would have come over and stayed over more. We  probably would have been much closer which would have eliminated most of the issues I was having. He still would have been suffering from the depression, but I would’ve have caused so much heart and headache if…if I could just at least see him. It wouldn’t have been without problems. Not all of them would have disappeared poof. But. I feel like we probably would still be together. That maybe I’d understand better.

That’s what I want, isn’t it? To take back my brashness and that we could still be together…but I’d still be tormented, and I like not having to wonder if I was the problem or not.

Tsk. There’s not point in blaming. No point in wishing. No point in wondering. No taking things back. There’s only memories now, and hope, and…moving on. I can’t control what happens in my life, what situation I’ve been given. I just have to keep in mind that things fall into place that may not seem for the better now, but will ultimately work out. I have to ask myself what I’ve been asking others: you’ve come to an obstacle on the path of life…what do you do now? You can a) sit down a cry; b) find a way around it or c) give up and turn around. I’ve already done choice ‘a’ and ‘c’ is impossible, which only leaves ‘b.’ But how?

My heart still holds tightly on to the prospect that one day he’ll figure it out and ask me to try again with him. God knows if he asked me now I’d say yes in a heartbeat…even if my brain knows that nothing will change right now, not the way our lives are, and we’d have the same problems. You stupid heart. Why did you have to go and fall in love with him anyways? My brain had been fighting the match since the very beginning. And what’s more, why do you hang on with such a grip? He already said he’s just not interested in romance at all. It’s torture to keep on…but I know…I know…that this is killing him too. He can deny it or try to blame the depression, but I am utterly convinced that our love was ever a lie or a farce or a mask. I know genuine when I feel it, when I hear it.

I don’t just like you. I love you. I love you too much.