Ah airflow

Ya got my hair cut super short again. It was really getting long too. My hair is so thick and full. Even though I am so thankful and happy that it’s lopped off, I always have to go through that worry-self-conscious-stage where people will stare and make assumptions and give me that look.

What a gorgeous looking day today! Figures that yesterday, Saturday, had to be so rainy, but I guess it is Spring after all.

At work last week I was talking to my co-worker and was proud of her ability to think, and it made me realize that what I truly value most in people is the ability to think on their own, their own thoughts. To not necessarily agree with everyone around them, to think outside that box, and not be part of the Sheeple out there, but alongside that, still have the ability to consider other viewpoints aside from their own. Moderation. Which is my creed.  One example of a good trait gone too far is one of our other co-workers who comes in randomly. She means very well, and is generous, which is consideration for others and what they like. She’ll bring in things or give you gifts even though you didn’t ask for it. However, the problem comes around that she’ll give you the same gift in excess. No matter how much you like something, too much is too much. You can’t tell her no, either, because she is easily offended and getting into an argument with her is like getting into an argument with a wall. She doesn’t want to hear it, so you’ll continue to receive vast quantities of X which you may or may not still like. THAT is consideration for others taken way too far. It stops becoming consideration too because you’re not considering that they might not want X anymore.

Come to think of it, trying to manage keeping myself in the middle of 2 extremes is quite tiring…naturally I am an extreme person, but I learned from a very young age that is not acceptable and certainly causes injury to myself and others, so I’ve adopted a safer, middle stance on things. It’s calming and relieves my and others’ anxiety (and is the key to rehabilitation of dogs or any one/situation), but after a while I start to wonder if I’m living. The rare moments when I either let the extreme out or it escapes, I feel…alive. A rush. Aaand of course that’s usually doing something risky or dangerous physically and psychologically. However, there’s too much in life riding on my health and well-being. I’ve been accused of being too intense…because I am, underneath it all. I’ve said before that I never thought I’d be alive this long. Probably had something to do with that extremism that is locked away inside me.

I’ve controlled the beast this long, what’s another half of my life?

I wonder if this is how monks feel? Of any religion. Enlightenment is all about transcending humanity. Think about it. What do monks give up for their spiritual journeys? Instinct. Biology. Urges. Buddhist monks have shown us what mind over matter means. Shinto mummification! If defying nature is core to transcendentalism, then resisting natural inclinations arguably makes one super-human, or above the common homo sapien? That’s the idea at least. Monks across the religious span give up on what? Women (or men), sex, materials, food, violence; all of which are irrefutably primal in nature: reproduction and survival. I am no way close to enlightenment (always giving into my emotions as it is) but beating down my harder to control tendencies has truly opened my eyes to this moderate, peaceful view on life. I’m not meditating much at all, but my connection to the animal world, to grass, dirt and trees, the sky and the developed ability to see the forest for the trees, my own life in comparison to the larger existence…that’s what defines me and I’ll continue to uphold that. Haha…I’m not giving up on my own primal urges, because I’m no monk….but maybe resisting myself isn’t so bad after all.

I’ve heard in the past, too, people look down on monks and consecrated life, but what’s wrong with it?

Hmm. I can see layers and layers appearing in my mind’s eye about this, but I don’t want to pursue those right now.

I was going to complain about relationship stuff, but after that thought process, I’m going to not.


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