The Spirit is Willing, but the Flesh is Weak

…the words of Jesus, so relevant to me. I was walking my dogs this morning and was thinking back to when I was in college. Facebook memories had a picture of me back in college, super skinny and at the prime of my physical abilities, standing easily in a tree. In my junior year I managed to injure myself in aikido class on something so routine. My shoulder has never been the same, meaning I can’t throw balls, especially footballs anymore without excrutiating pain. That thought, then led to all the other times in my life where my enthusiasm is where it should be: waaaay up high, but my body was never able to keep up. Memories like my never improving cardiovascular endurance even though I ran around more than my siblings ever did. I was always full of energy and needed to constantly be burning it. My heart can’t do it. On top of that my lungs, while huge in capacity, would go into asthma mode if I ever was too active. My muscles cramp up so readily I become afraid to do too much strenuous activity for fear it will cramp in the middle of something important. Bruising. I bruise so easily it’s scary. No, I’m not being abused, I just bruise. And lastly the major obstacle: my joints. Always always too weak overall to keep up anything. I was forever twisting something, or straining, popping…just injuring them. Even now, after simple things. In my best and in my worst shape…those joints.

Interestingly given my massive level of enthusiasm and desire to enjoy physical activities, people were always surprised when I confessed my susceptibility to injury. They would never have guessed because of the way I hold myself. Like the title to post here, it’s always been true: The desire and drive is there, but my body just literally, physically can’t handle the necessary stress. I love doing new things, active things, risky things, outside things. I still do it, but I have to hold back and holding back is the worst. When I do something I give it everything I’ve got, no holding back…give my best, always…sigh. I should thank my family for not allowing me to take martial arts. Probably would’ve broken every bone in my body trying to be the best.

That’s why jobs like law enforcement (cops, wardens, park ranger), fire, military…stuff I would love to do never could become a reality for me…and I knew it early on, and supported with each major injury thereafter. I have to rely on my other assets like my brain and ability to read people and situations instead, since there’s no hope of ever being able to be successful in any other capacity. After attending M’s graduation and watching snippets of what they’d been through, it was confirmed. I would welcome the challenge and my heart would’ve been in it 200%, but my body would have failed almost immediately. It’s bad enough I get tendonitis in my left knee just from doing dental hygiene and driving. There are obstacle courses, things like the tough mudder or gameshows like Wipeout I want so badly to try and do, but I’m terrified that I’ll injure myself so badly I can’t work. Again. Old Rag is definitive proof I’m not up to. I can guarantee that even now, even with my recent success in training my body again, it would beat me up again if I tried.

Every day I wake up and the bottom of my feet hurt which is strange because I went nowhere yesterday and literally spent the entire day in bed except to walk my dogs and go to church. Heck, just holding up the camera to take pictures at graduation made my bicep hurt through today. WTF. I regularly lift heavier weights than that. My body has zero endurance. I’ll get up on ladders and carry heavy things doing yardwork, give myself heatstroke, no joke, and then my mom will tell me to be careful because I’ll hurt myself, then I complain that I’m fine but then realize to my irritation that she’s totally right because I DID hurt myself.


In other news, grocery shopping on Sundays around 11-12 is muuuuuch different than Mondays around the same time. Also, it is absolutely glorious out!

Saving yardwork for this Friday and my spring break next week! That means I go to work tomorrow. I’m trying really hard to save up money and not spend anything so I can pay my bills and get out of debt (meaning groceries and gas and any medication necessities are it) but with the house needing to be fixed up to sell and let’s face it, not spending money makes life so hard to enjoy properly, it’s going to be tough. Very tough.

I’m back to playing old video games. I can’t believe how much I don’t remember!


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