Been a While….

…since…wait. WordPress changed again. Everything is on the right side of the page now. Interesting.

Bluh, my mom is working all mornings again. I relied upon her working at night (even though I know it’s better for her to work in the day because it allows her time to sleep at night) because it meant she wouldn’t be home in the evenings. Less of a presence, you know? Ugh. I want my own plaaaace. The funny part is that I’ll probably be over to visit a lot, and drop off the dogs and stuff, but still, having the ability to choose when I see my family is great. Which means I’ll be on HERE a lot more. hahaha.

Anyways, back to the original reason why I wanted to post here. Like I was starting to type: it’s been a while since I included anything about my relationship. We’ve remained steady because we’d settled on a hands off agreement as he crept closer to the end. Today is the last day of his testing. Final testing and performance evaluation which will affect what station he will be assigned to. Then he starts what he described as Hell Week where they school them on how it really is done on the streets and not how the book teaches it. I am very happy for him and I’m confident that he will pass no problem today…but. But it pushes us closer to the end of our agreement. It’s been hard to see or talk to him in general given his busyness, but it’s even harder to see and talk to him when the possibility is there and high that it’ll be over soon. I’ve had a lot of time to come to grips with it, but it makes me very depressed to think about. Painful on top of it all because I find that my love for him hasn’t waned at all.

In talking about him to coworkers or family, I feel awkward because they don’t know. I’ve forced myself to think about life without him, or just being friends, or trying to move on with someone else, but my heart doesn’t want to.  It did, not happily, but so far I’m convinced I’ll never get over him. I’ll be able to move on because that’s just how I am, but that part of me will never heal. I guess it never does for anyone, so it’s not like I’d be special in that aspect. You may ask so then why is it ending? Or at least the high possibility of it ending? Our goals don’t match. He doesn’t want to get married. Has a very low view of it and doesn’t know if his view will ever change. I do. I don’t want to continue pouring everything I’ve got out there only for it to amount to nothing. I don’t understand what makes marriage different. It’s a promise, a devotion to be true to each other forever. I expect that of him while we’re dating so it’s only logical that it should work out. The only reason it wouldn’t is if he really DOESN’T want to commit, and if he loves me like he says he does, then why wouldn’t he? Then it brings on the question of, well, why would you go into a relationship half-assed? I’m all or nothing and I made that clear in the beginning. I DON’T give my heart like that because I’ve hidden it away for so long to protect it. That’s not fair. Is the fear of no way out? Same thing, commitment again. In reality, divorce IS the way out so saying there’s no way out is wrong to begin with.

In the end it boils down to this one sticky point between the two of us. I don’t ever commit to anything half-assed. I’m loyal to the end, once I make that decision and unless you give me reason to break that loyalty. Through thick and thin. And I’d like my significant other to do the same for me. I’m ready for it, but I refuse to keep giving out my everything and know that it means nothing and will never become anything, amount to anything, nor is truly returned. That hurts more than anything.

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