Introspection Question

Have you ever wondered what your truest and deepest fear is? This is not the fear of spiders or snakes or creepy crawlies. Look deep down inside you and think about that one thing that you wholly fear the most.

As for me? It would be the fear of forgetting. I realized this after thinking on the morning walk (great time to think, btw) about my lifelong obsession–no, reliance, on diaries and journals and pictures. My memory has always been rather above average, for things as simple as dreams, or long time ago memories that my family seem to not remember well. To me they seem clear as day. I was recounting to my co-worker yesterday yet another dream about work, and she was amazed at how graphic and detailed it was. I was like, yes, I could draw you the radiographs as they were in my head. I dream in color and precise detail. Actually, I still remember them now. Some of my childhood memories are that way and others are not. I’ve recorded before that my memory has helped me tremendously throughout my schooling.

The worst part is that I have begun to forget. My brain has had no need to think or plan or analyze (now that I’ve also tried to stop doing that in my relationship) or problem solve or even recall information. I have no need to utilize or share said information or teach it. It’s mush. Video games aren’t helping me. My creativity has dwindled to the background. It’s so hard to come up with an idea for RW. On top of it, social media has made it even worse in that I see so many better ones that my desire to do anything is squashed. What’s the point? Heck, I can’t even just open a sheet of paper up in my scrapbook and draw or doodle or anything. I used to keep a pad of paper always on hand to doodle while I eat. Nothing comes out anymore.

I continually dream about school, about college. It happened again last night. Except that no matter how much my brain wants it, I can’t make it happen. Life and reality doesn’t allow that. My advice to any young person is to make that decision and make it right. Life doesn’t usually give you a chance to do-over or do-it-later.

However, I won’t sit there and wallow in it (although that’s all I can do haha). At least I started reading again? One of my books I’d wanted for a long time and sadly I’ve tried so hard to read it and I can’t. Too many strange words, names and terms and I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s hard to relate too. Couldn’t even skip ahead. Good thing I didn’t get the whole series. On the other hand, my brother bought for me 3 Assassin’s Creed books and they’re well written! Almost couldn’t put the first one down last night. It’s a good feeling to read words and put images to them again. Project Aowam has even gone nowhere lately.

This past weekend I was a blob. Played Ghost Recon: Wildlands the open beta to the end. I did get out and walk a trail, but it was too much for my boy and I felt bad. I can’t just wander off because I’m like a hawk always making sure he’s not licking his foot. That walk felt good too. I DID manage to draw an RW post, but haven’t scanned it in yet. So restless. I’m so restless. I haven’t been working out at all and I feel heavy, really heavy. Aaaand of course the Nintendo Switch comes out on Friday so guess what I’ll be doing the weekend! Woohoo!

Got my tax refunds. I start working some Mondays this month. I’m going to hate every second of it too because I really do hate my co-worker. I can’t stand her. She makes me rage, but let’s not get into that right now. Still worried about my finances, but it’s coming together. I’m afraid about the second half of our beach trip there. How am I going to do that? My spending has been so limited  this past month, which is actually a good thing because that’s what I’ve been trying to do to save money, but I know as soon as spring comes then the expenses start piling up with house stuff. Plus, March doesn’t allow me a reprieve because car expenses will be a necessity.

I hate how fun is equated with spending money. I can’t go and do anything really. It’s just always stay home and feel like a hermit blob. Eat out? no. Conventions? no. Work on costume projects or sewing? no. Everything = money. I hate it. I don’t even had access to some green space where I can lay with my dogs in the sun and just hang out.

Ah I’m late.


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