You know, I spend a lot of time thinking about how better my future will be compared to the right here and now, especially now in my current situation. What if, when the ball finally starts rolling, the hill isn’t a hill but a mountain? There would be no way back. More reason for me to cool my jets and just embrace what’s happening. It’s just one of my flaws/strengths to always be prepared for what’s about to come, because it lessens the blow of the impact if it turns out to be something negative. I wonder if I was born that way, or if it was a function developed out of necessity. At my core essence, I am a very neurotic and easily-scared person. Over the years I’ve grown a thick bravado of an epidermis–as close to dermal bone as I could get–to repel anything from reaching that fragile center. Indeed, the only things that have been able to cut through are the dogs and M. Both of them were risks…big ones…because the inevitable and possible endings are very real…and that means severe and overwhelming pain. Pain that is the EXACT reason that armor was built up to begin with.

It’s fun to go back and read my old blog entries on days like my birthday or New Year’s when nostalgia plays a big role (haha, the song playing right now Till by 101 Strings Orchestra is the perfect soundtrack for nostalgia type feelings). It really makes me sit there and brings to mind old goals, feelings and thought processes. Some have changed and others have not.

Ah. Time to go.


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