I’ve found that like clockwork I fall into a mood where I’m depressed-inept-resentful-bitter-jealous once a month. It’s in stark contrast to the aggressive-overconfident-charged mood I feel just a week prior. What a pain. My family has over the years deemed me bipolar and there you go. Only took me 3 decades to fully recognize it.
As you may have guessed, it’s because I’m currently in the depressed one. Also doesn’t help that I’m feeling like everything is hopeless, having just tried to pay as much of Gable’s medical bills as possible on top of the usual bills (and racked up more from our stitch removal). Figures it comes about right when I had just rolled out the deposit for our crazy expensive beach vacation. These dogs are just money siphoning beasts.
Thank goodness for hand-written diaries because my major depressor was mostly melted from my system last night. Basically about things I’ve been hinting at here and there about my life and how awful it is (sarcasm there, btw). Well, not how awful per se, but the unfairness of my whole life when thought of in relation to others of my past and present.
Which, yes, I know is stupid because I am extremely blessed. I have so many blessings that billions of people in this world could only hope to have. My troubles are microscopic compared to the majority of the planet. It’s just hard to see that when I look around me (social media doesn’t help, but work doesn’t either) and people are better off (not talking money here) than I am in terms of freedom, decisions, choice, life. Not being bogged or tied down by other concerns or other people overall. Kids of the families we see having so much opportunity and assets afforded to them. Instead I have to wait. Always waiting for things to happen that then will allow me to move hopefully one space forward on the board of life and not backwards. Hemmed in on all sides. Only one way forward. I get that there’s most likely a reason for all of this and there’s something to be learned here, but only hindsight is 20/20. Won’t know until it happens.
But as I’ve been telling myself for the entireity of my life: oh well. What are you gonna do? Just keep trucking, think of my blessings and enjoy the ride. I can’t change what I can’t change so don’t think too much about it and just look for the good in things. If I’m constantly worrying, I’ll miss everything when it finally comes to a close.