Now that I’ve been in a relationship for more than a year, I feel that I am capable of joining in with discussions based on it. My co-worker and I have been discussing relationships since she started working at our office. Before she was in her relationship and before I had any myself. For the longest time I’d have to base everything off general ideas, my own expectations and from friends, but today was different. Today I felt qualified enough to put my own 2 cents. We are all in different stages of our relationships. She is in the I-want-to-get-married stage and she was having doubts since he hasn’t delivered yet despite the ring shopping and everything. They just celebrated their 3rd anniversary and her birthday. He’s the type of guy who will stick to what’s comfortable and he usually sets her expectations high and then lets her down. She’s afraid he’s getting comfortable. He’s definitely who she wants to marry, but he’s always putting things off and she’s getting antsy.
In the meantime, M and I have reached a point in ours where we’re past the OMG-let’s-constantly-be-all-over-each-other phase. I never wanted our relationship to be totally physically based, but last year was the strong, passionate type of love. We’ve experienced a major shift and we’ve put in a little cushion of space between us out of life necessity, but it has a side benefit in that relationships aren’t always huggy-lovey. Because they just aren’t and if we can accept and deal with that, just with the comfort of each other, that’s great. It’s really put everything into perspective and even though I’ve been saying it for a while, I think now and truly I can say that my mind is sane and I can make smart, informed decisions without that love cloud interfering.
Last year around this time he could have proposed to me and I would have said yes YES YES right away. Let’s elope right now and make lots of babies. Now if he were to propose, I’d, truthfully, say, no. Not because I don’t want to marry him because he has my heart and at this point I do feel like I want to always have him in my life, but because we both have other obligations and responsibilities that interfere and need to be addressed first. Finances, family, work. I don’t want to jump into something while other stresses hang over our heads and unresolved. I want to be able to live on my own for at least a year or a couple months. It will be a major eye opener, a real experience for me because I’ve NEVER had that. For someone as mostly independent and space-needing as I tend to be this is a necessity. On my own, on my own terms. Come and go and have company as I please. Time to myself. Space to myself. Silence. Cleanup. Things. Just me. This is why I wish I could have the ability to do that ASAP. I’m ready, so ready. Not only that, but our relationship is still evolving and changing around us and I’m eager to see what will happen next when he establishes himself in his job.
My hope is that this cushion of space we’ve given ourselves give an idea of what it’d be like to be together. I don’t think we had a real chance to be friends yet, as we were courters and lovers first, so this is it. He has certainly had some sort of epiphany about us, I’ve noticed a drastic change in him. He’s still M, but something has changed him…not necessarily negatively. It took me a while to get used to it because it was such a significant difference, but maybe this is the real him. I wonder if I’ve changed at all to him too? He seems more committed. For a while we were really very shaky on both sides. I guess we were both struggling with our own insecurities, demons and life stresses. I, myself, feel like I’m more committed too. Committed and calm. Steady. We’re going steady now. I like it.
One thing remains from my ideals, though: I do not wish to be together for too long before taking the next big step into sealing our relationship in marriage. I still believe that extended period of time just dating ends up making something like marriage harder and harder to accomplish as time goes on. That I do understand for my co-worker. What I don’t want our relationship to be that they have is I don’t want it to be based mostly on physicality. She showed me a cute little note she made for him on their anniversary and while it works for the two of them, I don’t want the highlight of our relationship to be him touching my butt. You get what I mean. I like when he touches me. That part is essential in a romantic partnership, but I’d rather him say the highlight be something like the way I look at him, or have me say I love the way he’s always so thoughtful. To me, it’s more meaningful and more sustaining.
Haha…my heart really is a rollercoaster ride. I hope we stay on this smooth part a little longer before I find something else to complain about.
Wow I’m really sleepy. Tomorrow is the big day for my stereo! Hopefully I don’t blow the car up.