…though it’s not TOO bad considering I was just at work last week. Now we have to deal with the January blahs.
Got an email the other day about my old LJ account which I thought was deleted, but apparently had not been. In the few years I’ve been away from it, the account was hacked by someone in Russia who used it to then repost random Russian blog entries that other people posted. I have no clue what they say or who it was, but there were pictures of the Queen of England and stock photos. Decided it was finally time to delete the account for good and BOOM. Gone.
Because Christmas 4-day weekend was such a whirlwind, it has been nice to chillax on this one. With the new year here and lots of retrospect happening for me, my brain has been hard at work thinking…which can be an awful thing. Paid the first set of bills for the year and to my delight, many of my debts are coming to a close! Or at least getting close to it. A couple more months ought to do it. Out with debt and in with new. As it will always be am I right? Did my first workout last night as I start the new year and trying to break myself free of the holiday chub…my body responded very poorly to it and I felt awful. Then almost 24 hours after the workout, I could suddenly feel the muscle response! White muscle galore! Tomorrow morning will feel even more different. Must keep it up.
Brain thinking = bad. My mom used to tell me (as gleaned from past blog entries) that I need to stop thinking too much. I think way too much about the future and not about the present. Worrying won’t do me any good if I can’t enjoy the present for what it is. However, I can’t help it much. To plan ahead is important to me as breathing, but on top of it, having something to work towards is equally significant. While routine, for me, is necessary, I become tired of the mundane. And I know it too. Always looking for the next big change…whether it be my room orientation, new information, new materials, new experiences, anything.
That was the one big fear I had going into a relationship. I know myself VERY well. Many people couldn’t explain to you the least about themselves, but I could tell you everything you ever could want to know about myself: weaknesses, strengths, thought processes, how others view me, how I view myself. My realistic approach to life and to myself from that 3rd perspective scares people sometimes, but is also attractive to them. However, I was granted hope from my relationship with my dogs. The idea was that if I can weather them and not get bored, that I can do the same with another person.
I’ve been thinking, a lot, with the new year, about my future. Haha. Just as I was warned not to. What can happen. What I want. My co-worker at work is dead set on her goal of getting married as soon as possible. She wants her future now. She wants that family. When I first started my relationship, that’s what I wanted too. I loved him so much I could’ve gotten married then and there, but my brain was still in enough control to knock some sense back into me. I KNOW what a mistake it can be to race in and think that what we had was right. It could also have been a good decision, but more than likely a mistake. Much more than likely.
He sent me a picture this morning of us on our first physical date in DC. He said it was such a long time ago. I replied that it had only been 1.5 years…then it hit me that it has really been that long. I couldn’t believe it. I swear it was just 6 months ago. Then I thought about our passionate then tumultuous relationship. He seems devoted to me, but my brain has been trying from the very beginning to break us up. Every few weeks I start some sort of beef. It’s so off and on from my side of it. If this is the case then how can we be together forever? I wholeheartedly love him, but there’s a part of me that wants…more. Like my brain continues to badger me, I could more than likely do better. I can find someone who is on the same level of religion as myself, someone profound like myself, similar values, spur of the moment attitude, extremely adaptable and flexible, wide variety of interests, never afraid to learn something new, attune with others feelings and emotions. But. BUT. As evidenced throughout my life, I greatly dislike those who are most similar to me. And really, would I really like to date myself? It’s just…gah. The question here is when do I next want to pick a fight? And like Taylor Swift, to start a fight so I can feel something. The gripes, I will not post here and shall instead do so physically in a diary. If it’s one thing I’ve sworn and will stick to, it’s that I won’t leave conflict stored up until it explodes. I will address it and try to work it out.
In a similar way, I have been more and more thinking about going back to school in terms of career. More and more I have thought about going back to become a dentist. Or something else. Then the reality hits me again and I will have to give up my freedom. Be a million dollars in debt. Never be able to go on a real vacation again. Money = stress. I don’t do things for money (although it is a realistic consideration and one that I don’t just forgo altogether, it’s not a MAJOR factor, however). I do things because I am compelled to internally for the sake of bettering myself or for people. When I became a hygienist I took everything I liked about my past experiences to make myself the best I could be…to change the perception of the scary dental visit for my patients. So far I’ve overall been successful. Many patients come to me who would otherwise be too afraid to come in. I do my best to make it as painless and least stressful as possible while not compromising the quality of care. I like that, but the thought process behind this is, I’ve hit a plateau and although I greatly enjoy me freedom, my very low stress life (I don’t even work 30 hours a week), and overall blessings, my mind and overachieving soul is starting to cry for attention.
I guess it all boils down to bettering life. For myself. For others. Not to repeat mistakes of the past, but to learn from what I didn’t like, what didn’t work. To correct them, to create a new path, toward my ultimate goals of peace and happiness. I need those around me to share the same vision. One thing about me is that I have a very strong independent streak that does not like to be held down. Do not hold me down or back because I will shake free and never come back. I’ll always grant the benefit of the doubt, to give the chance, to step back and try to see it from the other side. Versatile minds, moderate temperaments, solid foundations. Those are the people I want to surround myself with.