I’m going to take the time to post these 3 articles about the INFJ (which I am) because it’s scary how accurate they are.
INFJs – Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling Judgers – are the deep, compassionate intellectuals of the MBTI world. Making up just 1% of the population, this type is sourly misunderstood by most other types. They are the philosophical nurturers, the accidental counsellors and the extroverted introverts. In many ways, they are a series of internal contradictions. And sometimes it’s a struggle.
16 Things To Know Before Dating an INFJ
1. If you’re looking for a temporary romance with them they likely won’t even bother. INFJs prefer long, lasting relationships and avoid short-term relationships if they can. Casual dating and FWB situations just don’t give them the type of deep connection they need to feel fulfilled.
2. They sometimes forget to take care of themselves. INFJs have a habit of taking care of everyone else around them before they take care of themselves. While this sounds sweet and selfless the problem comes when they realize they’ve overextended themselves so much they end up exhausted and needing to shut everyone else out. Don’t take offense to this. They won’t forget about you. INFJs just need a bit of time to recharge and refocus.
3. They’ll always be thinking about what your next fun date should be. INFJ’s are highly idealistic and will always dream big when it comes to your relationship. They always have in the back of their mind your favorite activities, places to go, and preferences when making plans. Although they can enjoy social, more adventurous dates, an ideal date for INFJs are places where you two can spend time one-on-one.
4. Someone who puts a lot of emphasis on labels, designers, or money is immediately off putting. The most attractive person to an INFJ is someone that isn’t materialistic and all about wealth. While big gestures are nice and appreciated, INFJs find happiness in the simple details in life and get just as much out of sitting with you and hearing your stories over coffee than doing anything else.
5. INFJs can be loyal to a fault but this doesn’t mean it’s an opportunity to take advantage of them. They’re able to see the best in people. Even if they recognize a relationship is failing they have a hard time detaching themselves from their significant other. They want to believe in their partner so much, often at the risk of sacrificing their own happiness and comfort.
6. INFJs can be very strange people. This isn’t to say that this is a bad thing, but when you’re one of the rarest personality types chances are there’s going to be naturally something a bit unusual going on. INFJs are very complex and at times even their own complexity can confuse them. They’re aware they’re odd and because of their own self-awareness they always feel misunderstood. Feeling like another person truly ‘gets them’ is a very rare thing for them to experience.
7. They’ll always be able to pick up on when you’re lying or being deceptive. INFJs have an acute sensitivity for when stories just don’t seem to add up and omitting the facts is just as bad as lying to them.
8. INFJs love helping people, especially the person they’re dating. Seriously, it’s one of the things in life that gives them great pleasure. If you’re extremely independent or the type to shy away from receiving help from the person you’re dating you might run into some problems with an INFJ. They see their help, care, and generosity as a way to express their love.
9. Sometimes it can be hard for them to open up. Although INFJs are outwardly warm and engaging they often struggle with the ability to be as open and less guarded as other personality types. They don’t reveal as much about themselves as fast their partner does because they don’t want to invest in someone else they feel could possibly disappear overnight.
10. They typically don’t enjoy PDA. When out in public or at a gathering or party the the most appreciated form of affection is a subtle touch once in awhile to let them know you’re there.
11. Don’t ever pressure them to make more friends or socialize more. INFJs are more interested in having a few solid relationships with people they can truly connect with and be themselves around over dozens of acquaintances with connections that only scratch the surface.
12. They’re extremely future oriented, especially in relationships. They’re always thinking about long-term possibilities in life whether it’s the starting of a new relationship or the longevity of a project. If an INFJ isn’t able to see you as a long-term partner they likely aren’t going to keep pursing you.
13. INFJs can be easily affected by the energy around them, including yours. They need strong partners to be in a truly healthy and fulfilling relationship for them. If their significant other is unstable or constantly has a lot of conflict going on this can completely drain them.
14. They will very rarely initiate anything. INFJs prefer when other people make the initial contact when it comes to dating. Asking for a number, making plans for a first date – these things will have to be done by you. An INFJ takes careful note of who shows interest and whether the energy they put into someone else is reciprocated or not.
15. If it seems like they’re off in another world, it’s probably because they are. INFJs are great at building rich inner lives and daydreaming allows them to live out their fantasies.
16. They’ll always be down to listen to what you have to say. Listening and communicating are INFJs bread and butter. Whether you’re having a bad day at work and need to vent or you just want to talk late into the night about anything and everything an INFJ will contently sit and listen to what’s on your mind.
14 Common Problems INFJs Deal With In Their Dating Life
1. INFJs get frustrated when they make an attempt to connect with someone and the person fails to share their enthusiasm. INFJs can read people extremely well, so when they make an attempt to connect with someone on a deeper level or discuss something that means a lot to them, they can instantly tell when the other person isn’t on the same wavelength as them. This leads them to wonder why they even bothered at all and makes them more hesitant to reveal other things about themselves in the future.
2. They want to believe in the best in their partner (even if it comes at a cost to their well being). This doesn’t mean that INFJs are perfect in relationships. They (obviously) have their share of faults too, but INFJs are one of the least likely personality types to give up on their partner. Although they know there are issues, and even when they know within their bones something isn’t working out, they will fight for their relationship longer than they should.
3. They can falter to their weaknesses if they get into a relationship with the wrong person. INFJs are very easily affected by the energy and environment around them. Their most successful relationships are with strong people who can lift them up and help them realize their potential (as INFJs are highly idealistic). If they end up in an unhealthy relationship with a lot of chaos or uncertainty, it can bring out the worst in them.
4. If it’s obvious a new dating situation is going nowhere, they will end it so they can put their energy elsewhere. While INFJs are completely capable of casual dating, they feel most fulfilled in longterm relationships or connections with people that go deeper than the surface. If they get the gut instinct this is only a temporary thing and there’s nothing else to sustain what you have with them besides sex, they’ll quickly find a way out.
5. Even in the best relationship they can often feel a sense of loneliness and isolation. The thing about INFJs is that they’re known as not only being strange people but for having a great self-awareness about it. Although they might be happy in their relationship and content with their dating life, INFJs can still feel a great deal of loneliness and a lack of feeling understood. This leads to them needing time alone to deal with what they’re experiencing within.
6. It can be difficult to let someone else in, even if they want to get close to them. INFJs hold their wounds close to their heart. The things that they’ve overcome that have made them who they are today can be difficult to reveal, even to the people they love and care for the most. This creates problems in their relationships when their partner tries to break down their walls and has a hard time getting through.
7. They can get too in their head about things. INFJs can be intense people. One of their flaws is overthinking things that are much simpler than they make them out to be or over analyzing situations before they proceed.
8. INFJs prefer to live an unconventional lifestyle. They aren’t driven by the same things (wealth, material items) as most of society and are more interested in experiences vs possessions. They need something a little different in life to feel content and fulfilled and sometimes this can create problems in dating if they find themselves with a partner who grew up (and wants) a more traditional lifestyle.
9. They have a hard time connecting with someone who can’t slow down and enjoy the little moments in life. INFJs have difficulty in bonding with people who live a fast paced life or have to constantly be surrounded by others. It’s not that INFJs can’t develop happy relationships with extroverts but they need a partner who places an emphasis on one-on-one experiences together because that is where an INFJ truly flourishes. It’s the moments when you’re doing seemingly nothing together except just hanging out and talking, sharing your stories and thoughts, that an INFJ feels like they are really bonding with you.
10. INFJs struggle with bouts of depression. As creative types, INFJs can struggle with depression during moments of artistic blocks or when they don’t feel like the work they’ve produced is good enough. Other times they deal with periods of sadness when they’re feeling particularly lonely or misunderstood (as mentioned previously). Their feelings about their artistic work and inability to feel understood can affect their relationships if their bout of depression lasts long.
11. The inner world of an INFJ is so much more than what you see on the outside but it takes time for them to reveal that side to others. INFJs have an innate ability to develop rich inner worlds they can retreat to when the outside world becomes too much. Their inner-self closely mimics the personality of an ENFP – energetic, fearless, outgoing. It’s not that they have a problem bringing these two sides of themselves together to be a thoughtful, witty, outgoing person in social settings, but it usually isn’t until they feel comfortable with people to really show their true personality.
12. INFJs can be easily disappointed. They are highly idealistic and are always dreaming up some new big idea, not only for themselves, but to share with their partner and loved ones. The problem comes when they forget to maintain a level of realism and find their ideas blowing up in their face. The easiest way to deal with this is for their partner to help keep them grounded during their bouts of daydreaming.
13. They can be just as self-absorbed as they can be loving and generous with their time and attention. While INFJs are known to be self-sacrificing in their relationships, they also can be just as easily self-absorbed depending on what’s going on in their life. They want their partner to be just as enthusiastic about their life’s endeavors and pursuits as they are but, obviously, this doesn’t always happen. While they are warm-hearted and empathetic individuals, they can also go off into their own world and forget about others until they come back out again.
14. Sometimes their greatest romantic interests will turn into nothing because INFJs rarely initiate anything in dating. INFJs have a problem with being the first one to show interest or to reveal their feelings when it comes to matters of the heart. They would much rather observe the other person, over analyze every possible situation and outcome, and slowly test the waters before even giving a small piece of themselves. Even if they have great admiration for someone or get a big crush on another person, an INFJ will often bury that feeling within themselves until they feel (through their observations) that the other person is also interested. Unfortunately, this isn’t a great dating method and leaves INFJs wondering what could be with someone all because they refused to initiate anything.
25 Struggles Only INFJs Will Understand
1. Being able to predict with eerie accuracy how a situation is going to play out, but being too polite to tell people that they’re making a mistake… so just keeping quiet and having to watch exactly what you thought would happen, happen.
2. Having zero interest in casual dating in a world that’s obsessed with flings and one-night stands.
3. The consistent, nagging voice in the back of your mind telling you that you’re not living up to your full potential.
4. Having much never met another person like yourself, since INFJs are (a) Only 1% of the population and (b) Usually inside reading a book.
5. The constant struggle of wanting alone time but feeling the uncontrollable compulsion to go make your loved ones happy.
6. Fooling everyone into thinking you’re an extrovert while you’re in public and then confusing the heck out of them when you don’t want to go out tonight because… well, you just don’t want to.
7. When pretty much all of your favorite people are fictional.
8. Not wanting to work for a corrupt, capitalistic society … but also needing to pay rent and eat.
9. When you want to go to sleep but your brain wants to stay up analyzing the great mysteries of the universe.
10. Having such a clear idea of something in your mind that it’s impossible to convey it using words, so you just talk around the concept for hours and end up making everyone more confused than ever.
11. Being just idealistic enough to conceive of a Utopian society but just realistic enough to understand all of the reasons why it could never exist.
12. When a conversation with someone doesn’t unfold the way you meticulously planned for it to in your mind.
13. Being in tune with absolutely everybody’s feelings except your own.
14. “Funny thing – I already watched our entire relationship play out in my mind. It ended in a painful divorce ten years down the road at which point I lost custody of our beautiful Dachshund Aristotle, whom I loved with all my heart. So no, I won’t be available to go out on a second date with you.”
15. Oscillating between revealing absolutely nothing about yourself to others and then revealing way too much and apologizing for it.
16. Actually, feeling the need to apologize for pretty much any emotion or need that you outwardly express.
17. Accidentally creating ridiculous standards for other people in your mind and then being disappointed when they fail to live up to them.
18. Hating conflict but having people constantly come to you with their conflicts.
19. When you finally find the nerve to open up to a loved one about what you’re thinking or feeling deep down – and then they still don’t get it.
20. Needing close relationships in order to be happy, but also needing a lot of alone time in order to be happy.
21. Being a magnet for self-destructive people and then dwelling on their problems ten times more than they do themselves.
22. Being intellectually gifted but also entirely out of touch with the world around you.
23. Being a compulsive people-pleaser in relationships because your partner being unhappy would actually feel worse than you being unhappy.
24. Kind of fitting in everywhere but really fitting in nowhere.
25. When you occasionally remember that the rest of the world doesn’t live life almost entirely inside of their minds – and honestly having no idea what that must be like