This Daylight Savings Time ending/time change thing is crazy. I should be sleeping, but it’s only 9:45pm…too bad my body doesn’t know that and neither do my dogs. They’ve accepted the fact that we’ve been waiting an hour longer to do anything (smarty pants!), but they’re not happy about it. I’ve spent the last 45 minutes trying to burn time before I have to sleep, by finally spending the $51 I have on iTunes from about 2 or 3 years ago. Before that I was doing a word search, and before that I was watching TV like I usually do but I was falling asleep badly…actually I am falling asleep as I try to type this.

This past weekend wasn’t particularly interesting. The most exciting part was going to a new trail with the pups and finding out that it’s like being in Shenandoah except in Clifton. The trail had a warning saying “Warning: advanced trail!” It was a bit of a surprise but I was up to it! And this time my body was on par with my spirit. The only problem was that I wasn’t materially prepared. haha…although it said advanced trail, it really wasn’t a mountain. If we’d fallen that would have been bad, but it was more like a moderate trail. My body responded wonderfully for me, no cramps, no threat of cramps, no turned ankles, nothing. All my muscles were great. Just my cardiovascular endurance was lacking as usual. I blame it on my ethnicity. My blood and phenotype are meant for sea level living…my cardiovascular endurance has ALWAYS always been a problem since forever. It’s better now with my better health and fitness status, but at this rate I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do anything like that…I’ve never had an EKG, but maybe it’s a structural problem? My worries were mostly with the dogs as they aren’t spring chickens anymore and I wasn’t anticipating the moderate terrain. However, they were certainly doing better than me, lol. Looks like I’d have to come back with a human and not them if I intend to try for the full 18 miles or more than the 2 miles I went. I should have done this with Gable when he was younger…he would have loved nothing more. Except that I wasn’t in the right shape. Sigh.

Speaking of which, I lost 12 lbs!! I am only 1 lb away from meeting the goal I set for myself 3 months ago whenever I got the fitness band. Finally weighed myself after all this time and it was motivating. I’d noticed the physical difference (the trail this weekend affirmed that) in gait, ease of walking, muscle control, and less stomach creases in the mirror (along with pants, underwear), but getting on the scale was a big thing! I’d always said I wasn’t doing it for the numbers, and I still am not, but it’s nice to see results! My body feels good. What a wonderful feeling. Unfortunately and fortunately it gives me energy and the desire to accomplish things. It makes me happy, but my lonely and stuck predicament becomes that much more evident.

Lonely. I am lonely. There’s only so much family can do to ease that (and for some reason my brother has been a nonstop chatterbox, OMG! I talk a lot and even I was about to lose it for a while, damn!) and M is busy. I learned this weekend that his mom has cancer and it’s causing drama in his family again. Even more reason for me to keep my distance. I don’t want to get involved, but I worry about her. I tried to ask him for more details but he’s been really stressed about exams and stuff and this on top of all of it. It’s hard to not feel like the distance between us is increasing, but I devoted myself to him until this is all over and I won’t back out. He’ll reach out to me when he wants to. I’ll just sit here and wonder. Wonder if it’s all worth it. Wonder and worry and become even more independent from him. Again. It’s amazing what power the promise of devotion has. My greyhound friend posted something on Fbook the other day which really got me thinking: it was a meme and a description of how he and his wife have stayed together for over 20 years — by mostly letting the other do their own thing. It’s true from their posts. They are married and happily so, but it’s a roommate-like relationship. My patient the other day is extremely talkative and she told me her husband doesn’t talk much at all. I had been worried about that myself because that’s me and M. She said her mom and dad are like that, and when I think about it, my grandparents are like that too.

Sigh. I think too much. But what else can I do?

Oh good, it’s finally past 10. Time to sleep! Trying to vote tomorrow after work this time…I hope it’s not too bad.


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