Why Do I Generate So Much Drama

You know it was too good to be true: me not posting a relationship status. But before that, let me go ahead and say that today is my first official day off of work this week! Huzzah! The whole point of taking this week off is to get work done around the house…both houses. The main reason was to start sanding and staining the fence at the other house in prep for eventual selling, slowly, but surely, so that I don’t have to splurge all at one time to rush and get it all done. That IS the problem with houses, though…there’s always something, no matter how new it is. At the townhouse, there are several little things that really need to be accomplished before winter and this week’s weather is supposed to be quite nice. Of course, I have yet again procrastinated on calling the handyman out to fix our gutter, mostly because  I’m going to ask about the plumbing issue and I reallllly don’t want to find out the cost. Damn it all. In the meantime I need to finally finished the re-caulking of the windows around my mom’s room, since I bought all the stuff last year and the cold came in quick then. Finished re-doing the lawn on Sunday morning, and finally threw away the unused chairs on the deck. My mom is surprisingly cooperative lately on the getting rid of clutter in the house thing. Better take advantage of it now.

There’s some sort of police drama going on outside as I type this, so I’m inconspicuously spying on them from my mom’s room as I type….EVEN MORE CARS HAVE arrived. The last time this happened there was a homicide. There’s an agency woman with a nametag around her neck, a few cops, and a cop in an unmarked and a polo. A detective maybe? They’ve been going in and out of the house in front of us with the stairs, and now are standing around looking like they’re strategizing and being bored. Our neighbor with the 2 little kids is handing around outside and talking to them. I can only speculate that maybe she  is not allowed back in the house at this point? Oh well.

Anyhoos, going back to the main content —

OMG. So just spent the last hour with the cops because my car was ransacked as the perps looked for valuables. Overall they’ve stolen 2 Garmin GPS’s and a gun, which started the whole thing. The detective was very nice. Basically I left my car unlocked (not on purpose!!!) and it was a crime of opportunity because from what I could see they were scared, because they were not thorough. They took from me a very old old GPS and left the newer one because they couldn’t see it. My car is undamaged, but it’s a pain in the butt and something that would have been better if it had not happened at all. The interesting part is when I took the recycle out yesterday I distinctly remember thinking to myself, Did I lock the car? But I brushed it aside because I always do. Normally I’d go to the key holder and lock it anyways just to be sure, but I didn’t. MAYBE. Just maybe…they were able to lift prints from my car that will help with the case, as the real problem is still the missing gun. The detective sounded like he suspects teenagers and ones in the area here. Well, if they can’t figure anything out, then it’s just a good lesson in locking my door and more importantly, listening to my gut.

…do you realize that if I’d gone to work like normal today, that I would’ve figured out that my car had been broken into when trying to leave????? That would have been BAD. Funny how life works out, huh?

OK. So as the post was supposed to be about. M has been very busy and very stressed out. I’ve heard mostly little from him which is OK because I know he’s busy. It’s saddening that what I perceive of his stress coping skills are they they’re not very good. He told me recently that he’s been in his Academy bubble and just found out that even more of his army friends got divorced, which leaves only 2 that are not. To me, I conclude that while the army trained them to deal with stress on the battlefield, they did nothing to prepare them to deal with the stresses of civilian life…which if you think about it might be where the big veteran-to-civilian-life-problem begins. Anyways, he was making me upset because every time I’d try to text him he’d tell me to stop texting him he’s busy and other things along that line. Well, I got very fed up with the responses on Saturday and for me that was it. I was mad. I went to sleep mad, I woke up mad, I stewed while I walked the dogs and all through the yardwork I forced myself to get lost in. By 11am, however, after all those negative thoughts about his shortcomings and selfishness, blah blah blah, I could feel it melt and then disappear. I still didn’t text him all day except to wish him a good rest that night, as it gave me time to mull some more.

As you know, this is definitely not the first time I’ve been upset with him. We’ve gotten really close to breaking up a few times, to the point where we agreed to remain friends afterwards. Neither one of us can pretend we don’t care for each other. He asked me to not light his car on fire at least, and I was shocked to hear him say that because I would never think to do anything like that. He said it happened a lot in the army, that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. To that, I told him that I love him too much to do that. And if you think about it, that would be just further justification that the two weren’t right for each other…if you loved someone, truly loved them, then no matter how upset you get, you’ll always care about what happens to them. The amazing part, the epiphany part for me, is like that. One of the biggest fears for me getting into relationships is seeing my parents fight, which was akin to a nuclear meltdown: no going back. When they were mad, they stayed mad, and I was terrified that I’d never be able to recover from being really mad at my partner. However, when I was unable to keep up that anger that I kept trying to fuel and kindle with ammo, I knew that I really am in love with him. My ability to convince myself to dislike people is very good (ie, idiot at work) and I can mull and obsess over it until I hate them. I have few friends. But my heart and my mind couldn’t keep up that anger anymore…I didn’t want to be mad. That in and of itself is amazing, considering my temper issues. The moment it melted, my brain started doing what it always does and started refuting all of my negative arguments by jumping into his shoes and looking at my actions and faults. I didn’t feel badly about being mad at him because I was justified in feeling irritated, but I didn’t want to put him down and say HA, you’re a bad person! Wallow in your shame!!

Because I love him.

I have never been able to overcome anger like that before and so quickly. When I resented my boss at work, I resented her for months until I finally accepted how she was and was able to deal with it. I’m growing up? I’m maturing? Then on top of it all, he got out for the day and was instantly sorry. He was so apologetic and depressed at what I’d messaged him that I really felt bad for making him feel that way (not necessarily the details of the message because I was quite civil and as objective as something like that can possibly be).

Even before he’d texted me post-message reading, I was already at peace with it all. I was calm, thinking forward. We don’t see each other much anymore with him being so stressed out and busy, but it’s OK. The real problem, once again on my side is the insecurity, the fear, the anxiety. And after the epiphany I had, that fear was more about losing him than him treating me poorly. I’m not made of glass. Little things can’t shatter me!!!

I. Love. This. Man. That will never change. I keep telling him that because it’s true. It doesn’t matter what happens to us in the future, because I’ll never stop loving, never stop caring about him.

The most interesting bit about all of this, is even though I went to sleep mad and woke up mad at him, I had a dream about him: he took care of me, he saved me, he helped me even though I was so very injured and weak. He was calm, efficient, professional, and someone I’d trust my life to. I’ve NEVER had a dream like that about him…the dreams about him have progressed too: it started as he was there, that I’d go visit him, or he’d come to me, then it moved to him by my side, as my partner, and now it’s him taking care of me and not the other way around.

OK, enough typing — on to other things!

 

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