Yesterday morning started like any other, except that I had to sit through lots of excitingly fun traffic. I get to work, irritated and rush in to start setting up for my patients. Co-workers still unsure of how I’d respond, but I made a conscious effort to be happier and open. I surprised myself by seeing my first patient with more enthusiasm than I thought I felt. My voice was certainly stronger. Afterwards, I got to speak with one of my co-workers who was very worried about me, I weighed how much to tell her, but explained what was going on with me. After that, thanks to a few awesome patients and funny things happening, I was back. Almost 100%.
A part of me is still held back, the grieving side, but the rest of me is acting normally. I wonder how long it will take to be totally back. Talked with my mom normally last night.
The most interesting aspect of this is now being able to look back and analyze what happened. Yes, it was definitely depression. All weekend. I’d shut myself in the house with minimal social interaction, ventured out to eat with my brother on Sunday night, but it was my brother. Monday saw me at the grocery store which was a bit of a push…I found myself unable to make eye contact with most people up until yesterday. When Tuesday thrust me back into the social aspect of things, my soul and mind were unprepared and the result was less than desirable, but necessary in my opinion. If I’d stayed locked up and in myself, I wouldn’t ever get better. I now recognize the times I tried to reach out to people, but texts and internet interactions can not compare to human face-to-face interaction, or even voice. Energy…the unpredictableness of being physically around people…
I’m back. I’m BACK. I will now take my memories of my furry cousin and move forward. Never forget…how can I? I’ll take the experience and learn from it, to apply it to the inevitable future. Never have I had to deal with death this closely and personally before…and I am blessed with that. I mean, I had hamsters and I grieved for them, and honestly he wasn’t even my dog…but the longer and more memories garnered with a life, the stronger the emotional connection.
Now I’m late for breakfast. Sigh. I really hope traffic is better, but I won’t get my hopes up.