Depression

I’m going to use this opportunity to document what it feels like because it has been either a long time since I’ve felt this way or this is major and I’ve never felt this way. Future reference.

The first noticeable feeling for me is the heaviness I’m perceiving on my heart and down to the pit of my stomach. Kind of like heartburn but heavier and no burping side effect. Secondly, the mind dulling. My brain feels sluggish and slow and unable or unwilling to move any more quickly than slug-speed. This is very foreign because my brain typically moves so quickly I’ll jump subjects 4 times before someone has a chance to deal with one. Thirdly, and the most bothersome and alarming one for me is the inability to respond when someone speaks to me. The pure effort it takes rhe muster up, not what to respond, but the physical sound from my vocal cords (once again that heaviness originating from the pit of my stomach) is excrutiating and, to be honest, embarrassing. Even my voice tone and intensity has greatly diminished. Fourth, since my job allows me the greater part of an hour where I’m mostly running on autopilot, that stupid depressive side of me keeps wanting to prolong it and conjuring up those words, those images, that sadness. I almost got sucked into tears with one patient. I had to employ my strength to say NO and STOP IT. 

It’s like having an out of body experience. I see it happening, I feel it happening, but it’s  as if I’m two entities and not one. 

I hope this doesnt last too long. I….think…that its going away a little as people attempt to speak to me and force me to pull out of this emotional curling up that’s happening. 

Interesting but obnoxious…more observations to come if I’m not fighting it well.

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