I decided by the end of the work day that I’m suffering from minor PTSD. Been going on the whole weekend, but I wasn’t fully aware of it. Even in the car on the way home, little things would set me off, dangerously, and that heavy pit of stomach feeling wouldn’t stop. I kept trying to pick the upbeat songs, but even those were doing nothing for me and I had to focus on listening to them. Thankfully it had been wearing off all day and I managed to laugh a little with a co-worker who reached out to me. Traffic was pretty heavy so I had plenty of time to try and focus and figure this out. I told myself this has to stop. The sun was shining so I was trying to gather strength from it, the words from my inspiration songs were starting to melt away at that barrier. Then I started getting sleepy, like hard to keep my eyes open sleepy which is weird because it was only 5:30pm and I’ve been sleeping well. Told myself that getting sleepy meant that the depression was wearing away because when the cortisol levels are dropped off and that fight/flight response is no longer needed for stress, then the body is finally able to relax and sleep. It worked. Slowly, my brain began a state of acceptance. I forced myself behind an unbelievably slow truck pulling a trailer and stayed behind it the whole time. No more fighting myself, no more. Just acceptance on many levels. Stop trying to do this by myself. Stop thinking about myself. Reach out. Let it go. Give it up. Believe in that hope.
M told me that I needed to do some physical stuff, gym stuff. While what he’s thinking about isn’t for me, it set me on the right track. I started thinking about the things that DO work for me in these situations, the tried and true, the things I enjoy. The things that make me happy. In these cases: dogs, video games, writing, fried foods, and the BEST medicine besides dogs: yardwork. Which is, yes physical exertion, but definitely not something I can do in a gym. We talked about this the other day: he said he needs a gym because that’s where most of his friends come from and I said I can’t do gyms. I have so very few friends to begin with, but I like it that way (my Science of Relationships mag just told me this morning that people can only really have up to 5 very very close friends). That then got me on other thought processes and finally I found myself light hearted again.
Then I got home and not only did the Chewy.com box come already, but my dogs were happy as usual to see me. I made a choice then: to either continue to be depressed or to give in and take from them all the excited energy they would give me. Like a boost. I chose the latter and they responded in kind. I walked back out that door in high spirits and we took a long walk and did pokemon. Came back, took some pictures because they were so cute, and I made another conscious decision to interact normally with my family. It was a little difficult, at first, to open up again, but the rest came out naturally and the positive vibes just kept coming. Spent a lot of time playing and trying to absorb my dogs’ positive energy. It worked.
Later, after dinner, I found myself lying with each one independently and before I knew what was happening, I was in the exact. same. position. as I was with Tristan in his last moments. The startled, almost panicky feeling lasted only for a millisecond and I came to grips with it. My mind began to treat it as almost practice, like what if it had been Gable and not Tristan? Surprisingly? I was fine. Totally fine. No lump in the heart of stomach. Some sadness for the inevitable to come, but finally, hopefully, at peace with it.
If anything, it has all made me more cognizant of the time I have left with them…with everyone I love. Then the whole lesson with the baby today…that whenever a door closes, another opens. One life given so another can take its place. Something I know well, but in my (once again…sensing a pattern?) selfishness, it had gone forgotten.
Tomorrow. I will try hard. To operate as normally as possible at work. I don’t need people worrying about me. I don’t need to pass that negativity on to other people. I need to come out of this stronger, not weaker.
Then maybe I can finally get back to the workout routine. Thank you my pups.