Sigh

I thought that by typing everything out that the waterworks would stop, but it hasn’t. I was doing great all day because I was keeping myself busy making a photobook for my uncle (took up about half the daylight hours today. Involved some more tears when the memories and certain images of him came up, but not too much) and then finishing my game. And then I had some down time and BOOM. Every time I have a moment to myself the images keep coming back or some little memory I’d overlooked makes itself known (e.g. When I stayed with him in his last moments, I looked at his face and at the very end when he was taking his last breaths, he swallowed, looked at me and saw that his eyes had discharged liquid. Like he was crying and knew what was happening. It continues to haunt me).

Why does my brain do this? It insists on ruminating on details and playing them over and over. I know my memory is good and always has been. Maybe trying to learn from these stressful events? How to better cope? I don’t know but it’s detrimental in the hours after these situations. And it hurts.

…I AM getting better though. The tears last much less time, I recover faster, and I am able to hold them back for longer. I can feel myself coming to grips because some memories had me really bad this morning, but now I can think about them clearly. I’ll have to recount for my mom in detail at some point. How my brother (men in general) can recover so quickly is beyond me. This morning when I woke up and the tears just kept coming, what really made me feel better were my dogs and getting out of the house. It amazed me actually how contagious their happy energy was and how just being in nature and trees revitalized me.

Speaking of hurting: my nose and eyes are PAINFUL like they  have rashes right now.

I hope when my uncle gets the photobook he won’t be upset that I did that. More than likely he won’t but piling on the pain after he feels better seems like rubbing salt in a wound. Like rubbing anything on my nose right now.

In other news, M is so amped up after his first week. In the midst of tears this morning I texted him and begged him not to cut carbs from his diet anymore and he was like, WUT I’ve been eating all sorts of carbs and pasta and stuff because Academy is kicking his butt mentally and physically and he just couldn’t do without it anymore. Pleasant surprise and more reason for me to stop thinking and ruminating about things so much. Interestingly the whole time I’ve been rehearsing and pulling in arguments for my case, a nagging portion of me was like, what if he already IS eating carbs again? I can’t even begin to tell you how glad I am to hear him say that. The turnaround on his attitude and happiness level is like magic.

I’m sad to not have been able to see him today, but no one wants to see miss puffy face, water fountain. So glad he’s so happy.

Yesterday while at the e-vet I got to think about whether or not the field is right for me. I’d never even entertained the thought of using all of my biology and stuff knowledge to saves lives, for longer than 2 minutes. It was always, nope, too stressful, or nope, I can’t think on the fly to make a decision, or, no way, I don’t ever want to be responsible for life or death of any creature. Well, thinking on the fly last night was so successful I flabberghasted myself. Sometimes at work I’m like, Wut in the world? Apparently I hold myself such that I have authority, the way I say things or present them, because it’s somewhat common for new patients to ask me if I’m a dentist. Moreover, when I talk to people I become somewhat uncomfortably aware that I tend to have more knowledge of varied things than numerous folk. Which then just makes me feel bad that I’m learning almost NOTHING new these days besides which video game is good vs. another or what stupid thing idiot at work has to say today. Is the medical field right for me???????? Or just an interest? Bah. No matter what school does not pay bills lol. Maybe in a parallel universe.

OK dogs are begging to go out again. Hopefully the dark skies will draw people’s attention away from my face.

 

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