Seriously. All that junk I’ve been spouting about feeling bad for myself, etc. Wut.
The Science of Relationships. A TIME special edition. I’d just finished reading the Science of Happiness. These Time specials are a favorite of mine and I look for new ones all the time, but OMG this one about relationships is almost scary!
In the Science of Happiness I spent the whole periodical saying to myself, yeah I know this, I know this, yeah, I’m glad I already do this. Relationships, though…a patient didn’t show up yesterday, so I took the opportunity to read and after reading an article on “The Power of Love” by clinical psychologist Sue Johnson, I just sat there in awe, staring at the wall because everything she said was true and right and it was like she knew me personally. Obviously, it’s because I’m no where near the only person to ever have issues like I do, but it was a big humility lesson for me: for someone who prides herself on knowledge, analysis, problem solving, critical thinking, and simply knowing more than most people, I realized how very little I know about the art of relationships. I’d KNOWN it, but not like I know it now. That’s why I was so hesitant to start a relationship to begin with. It’s my weakness. One of the few things in life I know nothing about. And it’s also why I’m floundering as I attempt to figure out the workings of the heart and trying to equate it with science and utilization.
It’s one thing to recognize and yet another to have it spelled out for me so plainly. She is right. I appreciate it, I really do. All these contributors are right. OMG. I need to double down and LISTEN to these people. Then formulate a plan to help M too. No, I’m not being a jerk. I just really do want us to work. Will he be open to it? Especially as he is probably overwhelmed with Academy.
We had such a wonderful day just the two of us on Saturday, talking, laughing, learning and experiencing each other. Then I left him alone on Sunday, and on Monday I was excited for him and then starting Tuesday I haven’t said much of anything to him besides one or two words. Why? I knew and know that he’s busy and tired and throwing himself full-focused into this. He told me already not to bombard him with texts, and so I’m trying to honor that. I’m trying to do that for him but also for me. To prove to myself that I can disconnect my umbilical cord. However, now that I’ve read these articles and ruminated on it, I think I’m doing it wrong and with the wrong mindset. Well…I think I’m going to stick it out until Saturday or whenever he’s not busy and tired. I really and truly just don’t want to bother him. I’ll ask him what he’d like me to do.
…this all goes back to that overarching fear I keep having. The articles have left me resolved in stopping my stupid insecurity about infidelity…in the worst case scenario if it happens, I’ll deal with it then. What a foreign and unenjoyable feeling…I’m going to trust him especially on that. What’s still left over is the fear of disconnect and, well, abandonment. This is something all of the articles touch on to some degree, especially the couple’s therapist. If the relationship isn’t solid yet, it is common for these feelings to arise, and indeed I’ve noticed that ours is rather tenuous in nature. That’s why I wanted for us to try and make memories together…things that are just the 2 of us and that we can draw on and be confident with during times like this. Saturday was significant in that way, I feel. As for the disconnect, I fear I am making it worse with my “strategy” this week. Well, we’ll see either Friday or this weekend.
I’m actually feeling really good right now. This magazine has made me feel much more solid in everything and even more confident in approaching issues when they arise in the future.
And I’m only half-way through!