M started Academy today. I was really excited for him. Left him alone all day yesterday because I knew he wanted to just zone and prepare himself. I wanted to get up early this morning because he said he’d get up at 5 so that I could text him. All that ended up happening was I kept waking up every 30 minutes and didn’t get any sleep. Then when 5am rolled around, I woke up at 4:45 and couldn’t keep waking up so I used the timed text function on my phone to send him a text. Then I felt bad when I woke up at 6:40 because he had texted me in anticipation of another text. He sent me a text not to text him around 8ish, again at lunch, and then after it was over to tell me he was super tired and was going sleep and needed to get up even earlier.
I felt it this morning, but I feel it again at its fullest now. It has started. It’s happening.
And I am so sad.
But I promised to stick to it all and I’m going to.
How to balance the distance and togetherness? It’s just fear of the unknown right? My own insecurity? Jealousy for his fortunes? Eh…I think it’s the fear of what could happen. Same as fear of the unknown. Fear that the undesirable outcome will be the reality.
Bah. Que cera cera. Just go with it. What’s meant to be will be….but what if I don’t want to face that? I have no choice.
In the meantime I will strive to not think about it. To just take it as it comes, to assume one way or another. To stop thinking about myself.
But why am I so sad then. Again.
Stop it. Just stop it. What is wrong with me.
I need to dance. To move. To exercise.
In other news, Last Man Standing is amazing. We need more shows like that.