Up down up down

Yesterday I had a day off of work (working this Monday so…) and was hoping to be able to spend it with M. He was originally going to come around dinner time and then thought about coming the night before, but then all of the sudden he had an idea and decided to come early in the morning since he always comes for dinner and not breakfast. I was pleasantly surprised at his initiative! He is not a morning person, although he can do it if he needs to. In part he is trying to sleep early and wake early to prep for his fire thing, so this was probably a good reason to get up early, but it was different and it was his idea. I didn’t care, because I just really wanted to see him (I’ve found so far that anytime we have a fight/argument no matter what I’m feeling about him, all I want is to see him. SOON. NOW).

So he comes and yet again that hug, that connection, that touch is so utterly powerful. Though I have to say this time it was different because I was upstairs zapping myself (more on that another time), before coming down to greet him. I had been lying awake that morning around 5am like I always wake, thinking about us (thankfully not crying…my eyes are tired of that) and things I could do to help repair and strengthen our bond as well as other decisions about us. My resolution is to stick with him to the best of my ability because the last thing I want is to have him spiral back into his PTSD again…and not only that but for me because I need to seriously stop running away, making excuses and just embrace that I love him with all my heart and that this could very well be a permanent thing. If what I keep saying is true, then I will try and understand for him and make his life better because caring more about him than me is what it means when I say I love him.

Anyways, after our initial bond (amazing how little words need to be spoken for that part) he decided to take me to Golden Corral for breakfast. I’ve been noticing that he’s been trying hard to talk to me like I’d requested of him and letting me into him a bit. Our time together has been less one-sided and I have to smother a smile sometimes because, well, it’s cute. After we ate he once again took initiative and recommended we go to a store nearby and walk around. Another pleasant surprise. He also made sure to walk at my pace while we were there…it’s the little things. I couldn’t think of anything else for us to do that didn’t expend too much energy or money, so we went home. He likes watching TV at our house because he doesn’t have access to it at his place, so we watched together for a bit. I ended up napping on him and then left him dozing to go finish my body zapping. When I came down I found Liana lying on the floor as close to him as she could and it was heart warming to see him and the 2 dogs all dozing together. She really likes him. I told him that and you could tell it really affected him positively. He loves both my dogs, but particularly her because she is truly and unbelievably adorable. I think her street cred is attractive to men too, lol. Especially guys like M with pasts themselves.

The rest of our time together was easy (initially a little unsure), at least for me. Any misgivings I had melted away quickly being near him and with him and he followed suit. That’s when my resolution was reaffirmed. There’s still a chance in 6 months I won’t like what comes out, but I’ll try hard…it really helps when I’m not the only one working on this, that we’re both working together. I’m hoping our future communication will become easier and easier and that I stop blowing up every few weeks.

Yes…yes…I know, it’s like a roller coaster or a carousel. A fun house. At least there’s a positive outcome to this.

Speaking of houses, being on my own 2 weeks ago makes me realllllllllllllllly want to be on my own with my own place. Suddenly I feel like our house is too crowded.

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