…dun Dun DUNNNNN.
Yep. That’s right. Mid-week posts mean trouble. And this is no exception.
So after all of that decision making, I went ahead and told him about it. Just as I thought he’d do, he went cold at first, but then went in neutral and matter-of-fact. I don’t expect someone who doesn’t usually part with his feelings to suddenly melt and spill it out at me, but I’m really grateful that he took the time to address this with me.
I was really proud of myself because I was taking it all like an adult with the usual tactic of removing myself from the situation…but of course, I lost it in the end and lo and behold: MORE TEARS. Why the waterworks never stop I don’t know (fyi, the best way to freshen up after a cry is to laugh and cold water. Fake it and then make it real. YouTube and Whose Line is it Anyways are a great combo).
I figured if we can’t even talk about something like this then we have no business being in a relationship. His initial coldness really hurt, but I know that’s how he is. One of his best traits, his perception, is still spot on. He is not an oblivious male. Basically I told him what the issue is: the fear I’ve had long before his fire dept go-ahead, that started the moment I knew about his dream to be in the fire dept. My powers of future prediction are very good, and I’m not just boasting because it’s a true trait of mine. I’m usually right. That fear being that he will change, that habits will change, that schedules will change to the point of no return. I am an adaptable person, but only to an extent. It’s inevitable: new experiences, new people, new relationships, new influences…all of those work together to shape who we as people are. Knowing that, it’s naïve to think that the exact same M will come out at the end of the funnel. Even I, in my relatively unchanging and stable life right now, will and have changed in little ways given the experiences I’ve been through. It’s just hard and painful to think that to each other we are just that: experiences to each other — a stepping stone or ladder in our life paths.
Ha…I talk like it’s over…both of us together to shield our own hearts talked like it will be over. We both agreed that we’ll stick together through his Academy days and re-evaluate after that. He wanted me to promise that if we do end up splitting ways that I wouldn’t burn his car or something. . He assured me that if we split it will be OK because we would still be friends. Why would I do that when I love him so much? No matter what happens I’ll always love him. Why, would you ask, if I love him that much would I want to split? What’s the problem here? The problem is that I am a realist. As awful as it sounds to me now, I KNOW that love alone will not keep two people together. Other life factors must work together, if the future is to be considered…and right now I’m afraid it doesn’t seem to be the case. From the beginning I wondered many times if our lack of mutual interests would come back to haunt us, but our love was so passionate and strong it didn’t seem like a big deal. But if you really love each other you can work through anything!! Hah…while this can be true, life doesn’t just stop because you and your bf aren’t able to get your schedules together.
From his responses I feel like he’s in pain as much as I am, though I know it will manifest differently for him, and he’ll bury himself in his Academy prepping. I love him dearly, and I know he loves me too. The next few weeks and months will be difficult, but I put my foot down and decided that I refuse to run like I usually find myself doing because I do want us to work out. I DO love him. If I didn’t my heart wouldn’t be breaking like it is right now. I didn’t feel anywhere near this way when I broke up with BF #1. It’s reminiscent of our first split…and what happened after that? I couldn’t take it anymore because I loved him. IT’S THE SAME DAMN THING. WHY?!?!?!?! And this time we’ve a heckuvalot more behind us.
It hurts. It hurts so much.
As we remain together, I hope, if it is the last push, that we can make the most of it that we can. Maybe this brought us closer together? Sigh. But it feels like it’s driven a wedge in between us instead. Just wait and see, go with it, what happens happens, que cera cera. I know. I KNOW. I…just might not want to know the result.