Spent the last week on my own as the rest of my family was on vacation at the beach. The first day I was suffering withdrawal and was texting every couple minutes or so. Then as the days went on I because more accustomed to it, and as most acclimation durations (in biology acclimation and acclimatization are different concepts), by day 4 I was totally fine. So fine, in fact, that on Friday I was lamenting my last day being on my own because they were coming back early due to Tropical Storm Hermine. I found that I quite enjoyed being on my own with the dogs during the work week. Friday evening was a different story as I felt like I should be doing something or looking forward to some event for the weekend, but alas. On the weekend I like yakking and doing stuff apparently…though when I went South and saw my family again I’d apparently been so accustomed to solitude that it was almost too much to take in. Then again maybe my mom and brother and sister were all extra excited to see the dogs, but I wanted to escape either outside or to my room. Did more yardwork because the weather was just gorgeous, had dinner, early brother’s bday, and a winding down night, then left early this morning to come back here. Driving distances really take it out of me let me tell you. I’m really tired today and very lazy feeling. Spent all day playing DS and now I’m typing on my laptop. I’m sure in a few days I’ll be back to normal, but haha maybe it’s the same 3-4 days to get used to having people around again.
Did you know the dogs act differently when I’m with them by myself as opposed to when my family is here? The only real differences to being on my own and having my family here are having someone to talk to/vent at, only having to cook on occasion and not having to wash the dishes every day. I am ready for it. The on my own part. However, I really want to be close in proximity to my mom for easy drop by access.
Relationship: because what post would this be without it? So I’ve been having internal turmoil. Again. I thought I had it figured out after my last outburst, because we got together and I realized omg I am in LOVE with this man, no doubt about that, and he was talking to me more and trying harder and stuff. Then I got busy at work and tired afterwards and he does his thing and now once again I’m thinking. That is probably the issue here: thinking too much, but here it is. We usually see each other once a week. This morning on my drive back and really yesterday as I was yardworking and taking a shower, I’m wrestling with other thoughts. I don’t miss him as much as the days go on. When I see him I am reaffirmed that I love him, but as the days of the week go on that missing feeling gets weaker and then all these little seeds of doubt start sprouting like weeds around our relationship flower. This morning I found myself realizing that while my heart says hell yes, my brain is saying, hmmmm…. It’s not that I have eyes on anyone else, because there is no one else…
My brain is very forward thinking, always planning ahead and analyzing whether or not there is danger or turmoil ahead so I can steer clear of it. It can pick up and drop things like relationships in a *snap* and while it will feel nostalgic and sad for a while, it’ll just keep going and push it aside. If there will be conflict you know my brain’s like yeah WIIIIDE berth there (i.e. idiot at work). And while that is clearly an advantage for me (like driving , judging important decisions, reading patients, etc) it has also been a bit of a disadvantage relationship-wise over the course of my life. It makes me out to be a cold person, like a machine, and oftentimes I don’t realize the full extent of the grief I’ve caused for the other person. Like my first relationship. Dropped him like a hat and I think it broke his heart. It makes me run or drop at the first whiff of danger or conflict. I’ve always been plagued with the issue where, when I get to know someone, the more I learn about them the less I like them…hence why I have so few friends. It probably goes further to the point where I’ll actively search for things I don’t like about someone…since I’m always analyzing pros and cons of a situation/decision. Honestly I can’t remember how to get over said shortcomings of people, if I ever do. Like my boss at work I guess. I LOVED her at first and then the little things started coming out and then I couldn’t stand her and then she’d do things that I approved of and while the obnoxious things come out in the end her good traits outweigh the obnoxious ones. 5 years later. Haha. I got over it about 2 years in.
So the question is, will I get over these little things? Can I? I mean my relationship with my boss is mostly good, but I don’t have to live with her day in and day out, especially when I’m supposed to be relaxing at home. That’s what scares me. There I go thinking ahead again…but it’s a legitimate concern especially because I am thinking about filling the position of spouse. I scare myself because I know myself very well. The dogs are what really convinced me that spouse-searching would even be possible for me the commitment-phobe. I’ve had a dog for 4 years now and I guess if I can remain loyal to that I can remain loyal to a person. Then again, a human is so much more complex than a dog. Ugh.
Huh. There it is: the problem is fear. My fears. My own insecurities in myself and my abilities. I pride myself on being very adaptable, independent, intelligent, analytical, bjective, and professional, and yet those very same traits are causing me the very thing I strive to avoid: contention. If anything I might be TOO analytical, too introspective.
…but I can’t help it.
I know what he would tell me, what friends would tell me. Just stop thinking, trust me, trust us, and let it happen.
Bah. I think I’ve digressed a little. Maybe I’m being led astray by my inexperience and by things like the media. Obviously the obsession part of the relationship for me is over to even have these feelings. I remember when all I’d write about is how much I miss him, and my heart hurts and I love him and blah blah blech. A logical relationship progression. It’s nice to be passionate about each other, but I can’t expect it to be like that ALL THE TIME, proved by my own need for alone time and enjoying my alone time.
Man…now that I’m thinking about it, I was freaking out the other day because my mind was all over the place thinking, maybe he’s tired of me and looking around at other girls, I’m too fat, I must be too annoying, too demanding, too dramatic, what if he meets some girl in Academy. A true fear of mine (among many obviously) is what ended this whole fairy tale love to begin with: that because he finally is getting what he always dreamed of, that 1) he won’t need me anymore and 2) it will change him into a different person…possibly his real personality.
Even if those anxieties stated above are true, I’d deal with it when it comes up. No amount of worrying will help me at all, and indeed will push me away from him more. On top of it all, I have no reason to not trust him. Now, I have decided to wait until after he’s done with Academy and is entrenched in the career to see if he really will change. You know, all of these fears are most likely intensified by my biological clock ticking away as if I have a deadline to need to procure him by. “Best if used by” date. And maybe I do. It’s just too much of an investment time-wise only to find out it won’t amount to anything.
I’ve always ALWAYS trusted my gut because it very rarely is wrong…when I first felt that pang of pain when he told me he was accepted by the fire department, it felt very much like one of my gut feelings. That’s why all of this fills me with dread to think about. My whole life my gut has predicted the future quite accurately. In this case I hope it’s not so much my gut as my jealous, in-love heart and that I can’t tell because I’ve never been in love before.
Bah. Well, no matter what, I can’t do much and all this worrying is doing nothing but driving a wedge between us…from my end because I don’t think he has any issues right now. I know he senses there’s something wrong with me. And if it DOES fall apart then it will be a good lesson learned in how to navigate this relationship thing. I just…hope it doesn’t go that way, because even after all of this brain diarrhea I find that I really, do, love him.