Kaput

My laptop (the one I’m currently typing on) is kaput. It’s the same issue that my ipod Classic has, where it will work and then it won’t, and then it will and then it won’t. It’s been ongoing for the majority of the year, but obviously it’s failing and so I need a new one. Last night, that’s what I did: I bought a new one. A gaming one. This computer has lasted me several years and while it pains me to have to get rid of it, a better wireless thing and better everything will be fantastic. It was an ordeal trying to decide which one to buy, as there were several to choose from, but in the end I went for practicality and price-point because I am a responsible adult. It arrives tomorrow.

M finally came clear to me yesterday why he’s been off. That’s the kind of thing I want him to do because he (males in general) tend to want to keep it all bottled up. Unfortunately I never seem to be able to help much, but I’m relieved that he’s venting so I try to be a good listener. It was tough trying to find the right things to say because he’s not a female, like I’m used to dealing situations like this with. He doesn’t feel like venting helps, but I think it does. Through his different hardships, I’ve found to my chagrin that he is awful when it comes to stress. It makes him one-track and that’s all he can think/do until it’s over. Like building up inside of him until it becomes this awful monster and he feels powerless. In a way I think it has in part to do with the PTSD I mentioned that I think he has, like it was a way to cope when he was deployed, and it worked then but to me it’s a toxic way to live and deal with stresses.

If I dealt with all my stresses like that I’d still be wallowing in it and would have even less friends than I have now. I’ve tried to talk him through them before, but he’s very resistant and maybe it’s just a matter of never trying something like that before. I’ve found in my life that the mind is extremely powerful, and what you feel can easily be overcome by it even if you pretend. I use many different tools to help overcome high stress and situations that would otherwise force me into depression. They include music, drawing, video games, physical activity, my dogs, journal writing, self-reflection….but when things get super amazingly rough and nothing tangible can help me, it forces me to step back and examine myself spiritually. To give up my worries and concerns to something/someone/some concept higher than this world. To look towards that hope and embrace it (ironically I have an instrumental version of a beloved hymn going in the background as I type this). He is Christian but not practicing and honestly I don’t think he really and truly understands what a Christian entails. He asked me before what certain things mean. However, that’s not the point, and while I am ready and willing to teach him anything he wants to know in that aspect, it’s the same concept whether you are Christian, Bhuddist, pagan, whatever. The idea of karma, the idea that in the end, you are a tiny speck of dust floating in this universe, the idea that no matter what you have going on someone is going through something excessively worse than you, and the idea that no matter how much you worry about it, it’ll continue to pass whether you are ready or not. So there’s no real point in worrying to the extent that you’re going to vomit, because in the end things always work out. One way or another and you should be ready.

Give it up. To the Lord, to fate, to Zeus. Let God, let your spirit animal carry you and be at peace. As much as you can.

HAH. I wish I could tell him all of this without setting him off. But that is not my place yet and this is not a good time.

 

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