…I can’t really blame it totally on PMS because as we women know you CAN certainly control yourself during this time of the month. It’s going bonkers on me this month, though. Ever since M’s acceptance and elation about the Academy I’ve been totally off. At first is was raw, excitement for him, then all of the sudden the negative hit me out of nowhere. And hard. To be honest, I can’t really explain why I feel the need to be the bubble buster, because I don’t fully understand it. I should be so happy for him! This is what he’s wanted for years! Since he left the army! I’ve never seen him so positive and upbeat before and that’s such a great place for him to be. If we’re thinking about our future together this is the next step, this is what’s going to propel us forward, this is the catalyst.
So…why…? Why so negative? I tried to pass it off as maintaining a zen level of energy and aura, but that’s not right. Then I proposed the PMS idea (more on that in a little). There’s a negative ball of energy eating at me, similar to the same feeling I get when I sense auras or situations or premonitions.
Maybe what I’m trying to avoid realizing is my own inner shortcomings. That Dark side of me. My dad’s side…that toxic portion of me I try to keep deep within. What if I’m just jealous? Jealous that he’s realizing his dreams. Why would that make me jealous? Am I not living what I always wanted? I have everything… And frankly as someone who has placed his life in danger for our country, he deserves it. He deserves to be happy. What if I’m just being petty and am afraid…afraid that he doesn’t and won’t need me anymore. I was his rock as he battled through some nasty depression (now that I think about it, it was probably the PTSD soldiers get while trying to fit back into civilian life). I took care of him, gave him support as he struggled through school. Now he’s got what he wants and well, he doesn’t need me anymore. That’s the worry. Then, what if…what if he changes. Yeah…will I love that M, the one he was in the army? Or do I love the M whom I’ve come to know? Will I love the firefighter M?
My PMS plays in because it makes my emotions fly across the board and back and forth. One second I’m frustrated and angry, the next minute I’m crying, then I’m sarcastic and further and I’m completely depressing. Last night was just awful. I was talking about Liana and then tears start pouring from my eyes. WTH. Today, similar feeling where this emotion just wells up in me and tears come to my eyes. Then I drive home in full irritation mode and I can’t get over it. My dogs play an amazing role in de-stressing me and my anger mostly melted as soon as I walked in the door. We took a long walk today which made me feel so much better. It’s times like that where the only real solution is good. physical. exertion. AKA EXERCISE til I drop. Ran down to do some DDR and tired myself out, almost turning an ankle from muscle fatigue. Surprisingly my brother came down to play with me which inspired me to play harder and more. It’s amazing what another presence can do.
Haha…writing diary entries to figure out emotions and problems…I haven’t had to do that in a little while. It feels good to work things out like this. Just like old times and times to come. My formula for dealing with stress is tried and true and will continue to allow me to work through things as I always have.
That foreboding feeling…that unease…it lingers like a blackness on me, in the face of such positivity. Last night I was overcome by such an overwhelming sadness, I have yet to understand what it is. Like I’d mentioned before, it’s the same feeling I get when my gut is trying to warn me about something. I need to listen to it, but I don’t get what the message is.
M just called me. He’s concerned with how I’ve been acting and my irritation and frustration which is so difficult to comprehend. It’s a heartwarming gesture. He even offered to come over after his dinner with his friends, but I declined given my emotional instability. It’s not fair to him what I’m doing, but how can I stop? I need to overcome this ridiculous Dark side dilemma of raining on parades when I should be supporting them. I need to be a beam of sunshine, not a shadow. I need to feel happy for his accomplishments, not jealous of it. I need to practice being a wife, and not just a girlfriend or friend that’s a girl. I’m an adult not a school girl. One of the same, not a bystander or a lackey. I’m my own person, but I need to stand by my man when he needs me. To push him up not down. It’s not all about me.
Talking to people at work really helps too. The girls at work really are my friends. We’re close. Sigh. I can do this. I can overcome. I can be my dogs, always happy, (almost) never resentful (except when I dump ear cleaning liquid in his ear or leave them for one measly night) and always eager to please.
Learn from DOGS.