…Here I am again on a Tuesday morning with 13 minutes to spare, and about to relay the drama that unfolded last night. Yep. Drama. Right after I wrote about our relationship. That’s how these things work! Whoo!
I’d noticed recently that he was in a bad mood sometimes but I couldn’t figure out what it was about, so I just kept on with what I always do. I had just spent our time together being a brat 2 weeks ago, so I didn’t want to do that again. As I explained yesterday, our 6-month is up after the 3 month probationary period, and I’m really in awe of the fact that with my tendencies I’ve hung on and intend to keep holding on.
Maybe I should back up and explain the special circumstances surrounding our relationship. I am steady, I am ready and I am comfortable with my life. I did what I strived to accomplish, I have walked a straight path and have the goods to show for it. I have a car, a house, a job, dogs, good health, a happy family life and reasonable debt. On the flip side, he hasn’t. He doesn’t have those…he has an older car that needs work, he has no debt, and his health is good, but financially and successfully he’s not. And he is supremely embarrassed by it. He’s in school to help boost his chances for the future, but money is tight and his job is only 1x a week to help pay for school and things like a phone bill. He lives with his sister who provides things for him if he needs it, but his relationship with his family is not all that good as they have drama of their own. He’d asked multiple times to be adopted into our family…jokingly but jokes tend to always ring truth in some way or fashion.
So what’s the problem? I know these things and I support him through his journey to achieve. The problem…the stick in his craw, the ultimate upset to him is that he’s depressed with his life. That I continue to provide him with little gifts and food and ideas and things that he could in now way repay me at the moment. He hates intensely that he can’t afford to reciprocate in our relationship, and he’s afraid that as I’m doing this I will end up using it as ammo when we end up arguing in the future. I should add here that he’s been married before and it went busto. Not to mention his family’s dynamic is not good with relationships either. He’s jaded in that sense and defensive. I also knew this.
From my side, I understand what he’s saying, but I truly in every sense of the word don’t care that he can’t reciprocate, and I don’t intend to use what he considers to be failings against him. I was in the same position when I was growing up because I couldn’t afford to pay back my family for things they would give me. How?
gah…Time is up. Long story short, we ended on good terms still, and I take the experience, however horribly upsetting and stressful for me, as a learning one. One of our first true arguments. I suck at them. I diminish into a blubbering mess and I am very glad it was all via text. I wish to learn about him and about us and this, however negative is an amazing way to do so. Not to mention he did exactly what I wanted him to: open up to me. Work with me. And for a man who is uncomfortable doing that, despite my tears, that was a huge step forward.
My yes are amazingly puffy. OMG I haven’t experienced that in a LONG LONG time!!!!! And of course I have to go to work. BLUH.