For some reason, I always have the most mental clarity sitting in church. It’s probably several factors put together (lack of magneto-electric radiation and interference, having to sit there with no electronic distraction, the overall soul-calming solace feeling a church can and should offer [I should say in particular: when the young righteous priest isn’t screaming unnecessarily in your ears about who knows what]), but either way it hasn’t failed me yet. Early morning is when I have the most creative and problem solving thoughts, but church is clarity. What am I getting at here? Relationships. My relationship. It occurred to me that I’ve been a little agitated about the subject the last few weeks and I hadn’t been able to put my finger on why. The last couple posts here have said a similar thing where I felt our infatuation stage is calming down. While this is true, it’s not entirely true. I’m still infatuated. I’m just regaining my coherent thought ability finally.
Remember when I said that I understand now why witches and other magical females of lore shunned a relationship with a man? Because it takes over your head and heart and you can’t think properly? That’s it. Sitting in church I realized part of what has been killing me from the inside is that my creative processes…my magic…have been overrun by these feelings…this passion…to the point where even when I try I can’t coax is back out for any length of time. The real catalyst – the length of offered rope – was my patient. Every time I’d seen her apparently I’ve had all sorts of projects and creative ideas to go on and on about, but, I didn’t this time and she was disappointed. My dog stories have even taken a back seat. I was appalled when she mentioned it and then aghast to realize, she’s right. I know you change a bit in a new love…it happens all the time…alienating family, friends, and just transforming…I knew it would happen to me too, but now that it has…haha…it’s just…sad? no. Just reality, I guess. My efforts to revive the creative spirit have ended in disappointment so I’ve been just forgetting about it. I mean–I’ve not been posting much on here even!!!!! Nor in my personal diary.
So the next logical question would be: is he the cause? Is he squashing this for me? Is he doing something that is not allowing these wings to unfurl once more? Am I being pinned? And the definite answer: no, no he is not. He has done nothing to deter it. In fact, he rather likes my drawings, my weird panels…he told me he likes when my passion for a subject heats up. What’s the problem then? … Maybe it boils down to the mere fact that I can’t multitask. I need to adjust my brain to be able to accomplish the relationship AND my own creativity.
That is only one part of my agitation about our relationship.
The second part does deal with him. As I sat there seeing clearly about my lack of magic, my worries about our future came anew. Because I was in church. And I knew I wouldn’t ever be able to share that part of my life with him. Not so much that portion as the experience. Which subsequently is worrisome about children if we are to have any. He is Christian, just non-denominational and I became aware that the big questions like that (ie, religion, politics, ideals, morals, discipline) have been not fully answered between us. We’ve touched on a few in the year I’ve talked to him via message and text and stuff, but never in person. Yes, I know that we’ve only regularly seen each other for only a couple months now and that’s like once a week and technically our relationship is very new. But therein lies the problem: whenever we get together I’ve not been able to talk to him. We talk, but not talk talk.
Part of that is because we are rarely ever alone…and the other part is that he, I know, is not very comfortable with verbal words and discussions and things like that. Last night, I tried to talk to him while he was here. It was awkward and I almost didn’t want to do it because he was so happy and energetic yesterday, and this kind of thing would surely make him stress.
Here’s a side complaint: my brother has no idea…NO IDEA…what a third wheel he is. It’s fine to hang around and it’s fun to have the camaraderie of the 3 of us, a good relationship with my brother being significant for me, but he’s like the energizer bunny who keeps hanging…and hanging…and hanging around!! Because we wanted to talk, I took him up to my bedroom (townhouses are notorious for sound carrying) and guess who wanders upstairs. He pretty much NEVER wanders upstairs just he like he pretty much never hangs around in the living room on a Sunday past 8pm. Awkward a bit, but I guess he got the message.
Anyways it was awkward, and I found it really hard to have the conversation and word it and everything. Remember I read people and situations rather well and I could tell it wasn’t going well even if he kept indicating that he understood. And lo and behold after he got home the text storm started. And he got stressed and I didn’t know how or what to say, but in the end he squeezed it out of me. That I want him to be open with me. That we can have conversations beyond a video game or a tv show. That we can talk about us, and our relationship. He kept saying he is terrible with verbal interaction like that, and while I know that, I want him to be able to feel comfortable around me…that I can have personal conversations with my patients at work who are, well, strangers, but I can’t do that with him: my boyfriend, my potential husband. We left it at that he will try to be more open when he’s with me, and I feel better that it’s off my chest.
I just wanted to open that door to him…the door that I knew was there in his heart. He’s not a complex man, I know that. On the other hand, I am. He’s a man of few words, I have many and even more than that. If it’s selfish of me, then it is, but communication is so important to me and I can just feel that there’s a wall I kept hitting on him. I think I’ve opened up everything to him. I just want him to open back to me and let me in.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. But dammit. I love this Martian.