Ah this heart of mine.

As my heart begins to melt and I move towards a serious relationship, my mind begins to scream. Wait. Stop. Why would you want to give up your freedom?? You’ll be obligated to do things. To be places. To support. Even when you don’t feel like it. And in the end it may turn out that it won’t work anyways. And you’ll get hurt. Again. Then what if you find someone better? What will do, huh? Will you betray them? Will you betray yourself? You don’t know what you’re doing. What you’re getting into.

My mind is correct, of course. Those are all concerns of mine. However, I feel that there are times when I need to just get in it and go. I refuse to let it get to the point where I’d change who I fundamentally am, just being in a relationship. I don’t want to give up on friends, or ignore them. I want my head to be as level as possible, but not to the point where it interferes with the relationship. Remember when I said I don’t want to play games with ppl? Well I don’t. But inevitably it might happen and I need to make it clear that may be the case.

If this doesn’t work out, I might just give up all together. I dunno. Depends on how much pain I’m in. BUt you can compare it to dogs. Just because one day I won’t have Gable or Liana anymore, will it be too painful to get another and do it again? It will require time, but I’m not sure given that I love dogs so much. It’ll be a new chapter, a new lesson.

Sigh.

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4 thoughts on “Ah this heart of mine.

  1. you say these things as though deciding that you don’t actually want a relationship with a person is “playing games” with them. every relationship ends when one or both parties decide that they no longer want to be involved with that person! until both parties say yep, you’re the one, that’s it. but it takes a long time to figure that out, and a lot of trial and error. :) saying “we can try this but i don’t want to play games with you” is really just another way of saying “i like you a lot, i want to see where it goes, but i’m not sure yet.”

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    • D: D: D: D: My brain is always always trying to get me not to do things, to help protect me from pain in any way possible. My heart is always gung-ho. Both are right in their own circumstances. My brain said NO dogs are expensive, especially 2. My heart said, you’ve wanted them forever, brain. You’ve researched it to death, read every book, dreamed every dream. And my heart won. Now I can’t imagine life without having had them. Both of them. My brain also thought buying my Subaru was a terrible waste of money, but I freakin’ love that car and I don’t think my Matrix would’ve lasted as long as I’d have liked.

      Brain needs to chill, but if it was always chill I’d be in trouble constantly. LOL. I realized that any relationship is “playing games.” It’s just that this situation it’s more troublesome to break someone’s heart…then again it’s a gamble. Always. I will remember this!!!! Thanks! Also your seal is very cute every time I look at it.

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  2. There are a lot of “what ifs” in a relationship. Each one is different and each one carries its own set of unknowns. And it’s hard NOT to think about all these things, especially when the person you’re currently with could end up being THE ONE. But I also think any relationship should not be stressful. You should be comfortable with the person and everything should feel natural. Trying to make things work when they honestly are not going to work is probably one of the worst things that can happen and will inevitably lead to heartbreak.

    My advice is to go with the flow. If it doesn’t work, so what? No one likes to be hurt, but people are rather resilient and I believe that you learn something new with each new experience, and if that includes being better off a single woman, then that’s ok! Keeping the door open for the opportunity still doesn’t hurt though. Don’t be afraid.

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    • My goodness a lot has happened in a month!! Your advice is spot on, of course. I ended up and still am going with the flow, and it has moved at a pretty decent pace here. It’s always nice to hear, though, advice like yours. Reaffirms thoughts and feelings that are there but sometimes are afraid to pop up. Thank you!

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