Restless?

Why Yes, I think I cam feeling restless. WHen I’m in a relentless search for food, and yet not feeling satisfied, and especially when no video game or sketching will make me feel better, then yup, I’m restless. So I turn to blogging! Or journaling! In an effort to feel better!

I’m now in contact with….6 men who are/were dating prospects. 1 has pretty much decided he’s not even going to try, but we exchange messages every so often. One I’d prefer to be friends with, but he’s really fun to talk to and if it all came down to having to choose someone, I’d probably choose him, because he’d be the best, most logical choice. The newest, most intriguing one lives in Warrenton. Another is dude man that I broke up with already but who is still texting me regularly and I still want to meet him at some point, but the more I talk to him, the more I am happy I told him no. Being just friends would be awesome if that would ever be possible, but he’s back to liking me again. One of the newer guys who in comparison to all the others is the most “normal” I find to be almost too normal. He drives home in me that I am not a typical girl with typical desires, and would never be happy like that. Then we have the guy who lives the farthest away who in the several months of Fbook messaging him has decided that I am very interesting. He’s a bubbly person and a bit nerdy and quirky too. Well actually there’s also #7 who is not a prospect anymore, but just adopted a greyhound so we definitely have something in common. He’s been asking me all sorts of stuff about her.

I’m not dating any of these guys. I’ve not dated anyone long term and although my heart still yearns for that special someone to grow old with, my brain so far has nixed everyone for some reason or another. Which makes me start to wonder: how picky are you allowed to be? How picky is too picky? It may not just be picky…it’s fear…well, maybe not too much fear. Pride? I don’t want to give up my single freedom, but I want companionship too. I want that good middle of the road…is it too much to ask for? These guys all lean one way or another in the extreme spectrum. I like to think that I fall right in the middle but maybe it is I who isn’t middle of the road after all. Maybe I do fall to an extreme.

Also, how much is my heart supposed to leap? Is it supposed to stab? I feel very neutral to everyone. No one sparks me. Some intrigue me, but that’s it. Am I supposed to look for someone I get along with? Or makes me happy or excited? Is it supposed to grow strongly? You always hear of the “love at first sight” thing, but then again logic dictates that can’t always be true. The only time I’ve felt that pure excitement is with the guy I broke up with and am glad I’m not involved with but still texts me. Now I feel like I can make better decisions about him in a calmer state of mind.

But then that feels so robotic. Like I said earlier, if it came down to it, the most logical and choice with the best long term outcome would be the guy that I went to the con with. He talks to me regularly, has a good job, nerdy, intelligent, friendly, understanding…the cons are there too, but of everyone he’s the most stable and therefore the best choice for a stable future. But he doesn’t make my heart leap. I don’t feel anything except kinship with him. My brain is so imaginative, so emotion-oriented, I don’t think I could do that. I know he’d make me happy, but I’d always feel like I could have done better. Or that there’s someone else out there.

I don’t want to get too old and start panicking because I haven’t found someone (and the dual income is so nice…). But my must-have list is so long. And that subject of waking up this stone heart. More stone now having gone through such an emotion-filled and sad breakup. It just hurt too much at the time. I can’t imagine being really and truly involved with someone and breaking up then.

But that’s me: I don’t want to get involved because I typically don’t get involved in anything until I’m quite sure I can let myself 100% into it… I hate doing anything half-assed. Everything I do must be my best…and that’s the source of my fear and hesitation. And God-forbid that the other person doesn’t feel the same way. That’s why I don’t have too many friends. The ones I do have are like that too. They’ll do their absolute best at whatever they tackle.

I wish I had the answers to this. But I understand that it’s not something that someone can just tell me, because it is different for most people. Instead my heart will pain me and frustrate and feel restless until something happens to it.

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