While most people were enjoying their Friday evening after a long work week, mine was coming to a cesspool of emotions. Negative ones.
I was mildy prepared for it, as I’ve been blogging about the darn issue for the least 2 weeks or so. If you’ve been following at all, you will know that I’ve been questioning this “relationship” I’ve been in solely via text and facebook, thinking about single life and commitment and patience.
Well last night we were texting and he asked me what I was playing at, that he noticed I’ve been deflecting him and distant. To be honest, I hadn’t consciously noticed and told him as such. That’s when I had a foreboding feeling that this would not end well…this time I had to make a decision and meet my emotions head on. In the time it took me to get to my computer and procrastinating doing this and that before talking via Facebook chat because I can type much faster on there, I had resolved to tell him what I feel. Honesty is the best way to be in a relationship right? I had the text support of a good friend while I was doing this and it made it that much easier to do, reaffirming my decisions.
Well then started the essay or messages. He “listened” as best you can on instant messenger while I explained my commitment phobia. He has been the only one who has been able to cut through all my defenses to my inner core…and that was the reason I started to become distant and cold. It’s a powerful defense mechanism and it’s an indicator that someone means that much to me. Think of it like the last line of defense before I completely become defenseless. It was my turn to listen as he explained more about his own emotional state. As it turns out he’s going through a divorce of his own and he divulged that the pain is intense and he can’t bear to go through another heartache like that, so I need to tell him if I’m going to just cut and run on him so he can protect his own heart again.
Now this may make you as a reader a little angry for my sake because what? a divorce? To explain more, I kind of knew beforehand that he was going through something like this. Something to that effect was on his profile when he messaged me and I conveniently forgot about it as I began to fall for him. It nagged in the back of my mind and he did touch on it a few times, but I didn’t think it my place to ask about it and so it wasn’t a concern for me…and therefore I didn’t consider the effect it was having on him.
As soon as he said that and the realization dawned upon me, the tears started to fall. And it just kept coming the rest of the conversation we had. The crying startled me; all in all I think I was talking to him for almost 3 months…we’d never met. We were planning to but with his school and unbeknownst to me the divorce proceedings, it never happened. It was talked about a good amount, but that’s it. The understanding was that we were to wait for him to finish school, be set in his job and go from there after he was mostly free. But crying meant that he must have really meant something to me. The sadness was immense and heavy and such a pressure on my heart and soul. For leading him on, for his own pain, for my pain, for everything. I never wanted to hurt another person or play with their emotions again…but apparently I’m not good at that. In the end I broke up with him. I couldn’t and still can’t guarantee that I won’t hurt him again. For someone inexperienced in the art of love and relationships, but experienced in the art of noncommittal ways and escaping at the first scent of danger, the chances are high that I’d cut and run. If it was someone relatively unscathed by life, I’d be more prone to try it, but with my parents’ divorce fresh in my mind and seeing my mom everyday I can to some degree understand the pain. For the record, he was indicating that he would still like for us to continue, but I refuse(d) to allow him–someone I do care about–to be hurt by me. It hits too close to home. There was really no ending to the conversation. I just sent a lot of sorries and signed off after no response from him. The last things he told me was that the divorce proceedings will be finalized at the end of the month and if I felt I could trust myself and trust him too, then let him know. And the end of school we were waiting for? He finishes next week.
The best part about crying is that it makes for a fantastic night’s sleep. And in this case I think it cleared up my allergies from my sinuses. No problems this morning.
As I pushed my feelings onto Text Support, she reminded that in any relationship there will be pain somewhere along the line. If not now than later. I had plenty of time to think about my grief and sadness, waking up late, not eating breakfast and drowning my sorrow in yard work. I was going to take my dogs on a trail walk, but I was in no mood or shape to do that. It’s true: he can’t expect never to be hurt again…it’s naïve to think that. Relationships work out, or they don’t. But his indicating that he would take a chance on me means that he’s acknowledged that. I guess I was just hoping there would be someone out there that could be my relationship experiment victim. There has to be one right? Someone who maybe has more experience than me but could help guide me through something like that but know that ultimately it most likely won’t work. That’s why I couldn’t do that to him. Not tears this morning. I am convinced I made the right decision and I’m going to stick with it. The lack of a morning text from him pains me, but knowing I can save him from myself is the best reason stick with it.
Another thing Text Support mentioned was something I’d known too: that relationships work and fail and you learn from each more about yourself and what you’re looking for in life. It’s not an actual failure when you look at it like that. Now I know what it means to feel that I really do care for someone who is not my family member. And now I really know the sorrow and pain of heartbreak, however mild this was…I can’t imagine the full on heartbreak of an established relationship. Which is why I was so hesitant to get fully immersed to begin with. I know myself well. My emotional core is super fragile and it doesn’t take much to make it hurt. It didn’t feel like this when I broke up with J, which, btw, in hindsight was hasty and another example of my flighty tendencies. See a pattern here? 3 months and I’m out.
Now to think about my latest online dating endeavors. How will I approach my next target without doing this again? Do I throw it all out there and scare everyone off? Do I end it and just enjoy being single for a while? Take a real break? Maybe that’s a good idea. I don’t want to use heartache as a reason to latch on to someone else. I’ll be able to look at this with different eyes in a few days.
Until then, I will do more yard work. And video games. And hopefully not spend all my money. I should start the all cash rule.
Thanks for listening and not being too judgmental.