MAN I’ve been really bad

…about posting!!

Life is going pretty well right now. I’ve laid off the online dating which takes a bit of stress off my life, I thing, but mostly because I’ve been communicating with Army Guy via text. We text each other literally all day long about random crap and some serious ones too. The new stress, of course, is I can’t tell if he’s just clueless or he just wants to talk as friends only. I’ve dropped several hints about meeting up, but he takes none and I’ve not heard anything from him. The only one was at Katuscon which I so bravely tried to avoid because it would have been really awkward on both ends, I think. He was with his family and I was with another guy who thought it was a date. Remember I was hoping he didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day and that he wouldn’t construe the day as a date? Well….he did. So thereafter he messaged me so much and now he’s cooled it and I’m afraid I made him sad because I’ve been sort of ignoring him, hoping that he’d get th e message. He’s an intelligent person so I’m pretty sure he did/does. Continuing with dating, Car Guy: I finally told him that I don’t think we should try to meet up anymore. Three times we’ve tried now, and three times something gets in the way. FIrst it was the flu, and then his ankle, and now work. Fate has it in for us. I told him that I don’t want us to go through all this trouble to meet up and then have it come to nothing. He agreed. I just know/knew it’s not going to work. He is very intelligent and I think I need someone not as intelligent as I am because, well, we’d fight all the time. Or maybe I shouldn’t say intelligent. We need to be familiar with different things because I have strong opinions about what I know. Sad to say I’m not as willing to open as I used to (not saying it’s impossible for me), but it is a function of age. I try hard to keep an open mind, but yeah. We would disagree.

I’ve come to the conclusion in talking with all these different guys that I don’t want someone stupid, but I like knowing more than other people about certain things. With that said, I love learning so by them knowing well other things I don’t, then I will be happy growing through them. Then there’s values. I’ve been really happy when my potential match has some similar interests, but most importantly some depth of thought about life and happiness. THat’s what I like about ARmy Guy. He has been agreeable with random silly things I text and understood some references. The problem with Con Guy, is that while I enjoy video games and stuff, I don’t want to sit around all the time to play them. I love playing them, yes, but I also want someone with whom I can get out and do things with. Army Guy seems to promise as much as far as I can tell…haven’t ever met the guy. I think that’s why he’s been unable to find a date…Con Guy I mean. Versatility is important. I can already see it in the future: I come home from work and he’s busy playing video games while I have to cook and wash dishes and stuff. >_< No. He doesn’t seem like the most handy person either.

There are a few things I’ve decided I need to improve in myself in order to be successful in a relationship. For some reason I have a problem being happy for other people when something good happens to them. Maybe it’s jealousy learned from my Dark Side. I need to be truly happy for them. If at first it needs to be fake, then so be it. Then there’s my skewed thinking where if the other person doesn’t 100% agree with me, I don’t like that. They don’t have to like or dislike everything I do. It wouldn’t be too fun if they always agreed right? I need to be, and am wrong as often as I am right. Pride. No! Bad pride. Like mentioned earlier, I need to open up my mind again. Take less offense and listen more. Be less selfish.

Wow this turned into a dating post quick. Well, the conclusion is that I’m going to ask him today straight out about meeting up, before we run out of time. That way I know if I need to keep looking or I can pursue this. I hope he takes it, because this is the first time I’d be very sad if he stopped talking to me. I really like him so far. Moreso than anyone else. And we’ve never met!!! I know so much about him and he me. I want this to work, but I can’t make something work that wasn’t meant to be. I’ve come to the fact that I need to understand my heart can be broken too and not always vice versa.

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