Man Killer

After checking my stats on WP here last night and noticing random posts being viewed from way back when, I went ahead and chose the “random post” button. I got an entry about how I flubbed up html in internet class, mosquito bites at Seaco, and then how there was this guy who was interested in me. That took me back to that time which I had completely forgotten about and reminded me of all the opportunities I had/hearts I’d broken along the way. In hindsight, it was kind of mean…these guys were completely into me, but I was oblivious/selfish/didn’t care much. Not interested!! Those, of course, were the ones I’d noticed too. Maybe there was more? Over the years I’d had a tendency to kind of toy with their hearts: get to know them, be nice to them, talk to them, laugh with them, and then literally go out of my way to avoid them when I got too far in. In part it was because I knew I couldn’t have a boyfriend what with the home situation. Another part was my inability to allow myself the feelings because I knew it couldn’t be. And yet another part is the one I struggle with even today: I am a commitment-phobe. 100% phobic. With every decision I make, every aspect of my life I am constantly searching for that back door, that escape route. How can I get into a relationship knowing that I expect it to fail and therefore must utilize my back door. It’s self preservation and very useful for life, but it would make for a poor relationship. All of it stems from the fear of pain, a fear larger than I ever imagined I could have. I think my failed relationship with my dad and my mom’s failed relationship with him has scarred me heavily and my non-committal state is the direct result. If I never get in a relationship, I will never feel pain. Ever.

And yet, especially now looking back on it, I do regret not letting myself go to take the plunge. To have not felt the elation of feeling special and loving someone passionately in maybe the best time of my life to do so. So many opportunities. All played with, none taken. Well, I guess I did try once. I went on 2 dates total in my life. The first one wasn’t a real date, but the second one was. They’re like interviews haha.

Anyways, reading the old entries inspire me to keep updating this blog. My voice back then is one that is different from now. Younger, more firey, more happy, I think. It’ll be so cool to read this another 8 years down the road.

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One thought on “Man Killer

  1. There are a lot of different kinds of relationships. I think your love and ability to care for your dogs is a sign that you’re not 100% commitment phobic.

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