Depressing

2 posts in a day? I try not to do that, but this is too important to not post on.

Remember back in 2012 when I had that whole dilemma with Lover Girl? Remember how she got fired after a while for drugs (along with harassing me)? Well we just learned today that she’s dead. DEAD. When my Dr. first told me, I almost laughed. I’m glad I didn’t, but I’ve been known to laugh at the wrong things. I couldn’t fathom the idea! Over the course of the rest of the day, even, I couldn’t get it to turn over in my mind. It’s like my brain froze. Then I immediately felt bad because she didn’t show up for her cleaning appointment last week. Co-hygienist called her and her phone was disconnected. We couldn’t contact her and then her dad finally told us that he’d call the Dr. later about it. We had thought maybe she had gone back into relapse with drugs, but I also wondered out loud if maybe she was suicidal? At the time, it was strange that my mind would start thinking about something like that, but now it makes sense.

Now that I think about it, I’d been thinking about her a bit recently…at funny times like walking the dog, or just standing there waiting for a check at work. I wondered how she was doing and remembering what had happened in the past. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but sometimes I feel like I have a 6th sense about things…when my hamster died when I was at school, I dreamed about her. What I chalk up to be my “gut” will give me feelings about things: like how a situation will turn out, if there are cops around, info about a person’s personality, when I should buy a scratcher, an individual’s next course of action, whether I should leave for work early because of traffic, etc. I trust it more than anything. Remember the Lianna and dark chocolate bad incident? I could have lost her if I hadn’t trusted my gut and went straight home. That’s just during the course of the day, though, but dreams mean a lot to me too. I have bizarre dreams often (sleeping and subsequently dreaming is something I look forward to daily), but sometimes certain ones jump out at me as too bizarre or realistic which make me wonder if there’s a telepathic thing going on. The point is, I feel like when someone is thinking strongly about me, it’s like my mind’s phone has been dialed and there’s a call coming through….hence how my dad’s telepathic cursing works on my mom (which he’s doing currently). I shudder to think that the passing thoughts I had of her (and every time I thought of her, it was with sadness and pity, not hate or anger) could have been her thinking about me too. All of the sudden I realize I dreamed of her the other day…even if it was brief. I’d even brought it up at work. That’s so scary.

My Dr. is just devastated. She’d known her since she was still a little kid…she watched her grow up. LG was only 21. TWENTY-ONE. With a 3-year old son who now has to be raised by his grandparents because LG’s brother is in and out of jail and the dad is in prison. No doubt custody would be awarded to the grandparents. They did such a poor job of raising their own son and daughter, that maybe this is their chance to make things right, but somehow I think they’re just going to spoil the little guy as much as possible…which was the problem the first time. It’s such a waste of a young life. How did she pass? She had been struggling with rehab 4-5 times in and out. I don’t know if I’d updated that she hadn’t made it into hygiene school like she wanted, but she didn’t, so 6 months ago when she came in for her cleaning she looked bad…really bad. Like depressed bad, like it was the end of the world. She’d given up on school altogether and was just working. I hate to think that she, in her last days, weeks, was just a shell of a person working to support her son, but with no desire for anything else, but the drugs that were her only salvation. The cause of death was ruled cardiac arrest and the autopsy report supposedly showed minimal amounts of her drug of choice, but mixed with another chemical that made it fatal. Her dad said that she had been going through really bad withdrawal the last few weeks. We speculated at work what it was and settled on heroin because it’s the drug that will literally kill you if try to stop cold turkey. Knowing that, I’d like to think that maybe she was trying hard to stop her addiction, but didn’t know that you can’t just stop. Yes, maybe that’s what I will believe in.

My Dr. for certain thought about beating herself up for abandoning her (ie, firing her) but that’s wrong because there was nothing that could be done and our practice should not have to suffer for someone so immature and in such continuing dire straits. She gave her sooo many chances to clean herself up, but she couldn’t do it. I think that blow (she greatly admired my Dr.) coupled with the devastation of not being accepted into hygiene school sent her over the edge. From what I know about her, I know, for a fact, that she is a very dogged and resilient person. GOD I know that. As a person she is what I would call tenacious, wanting what she wants. That’s a plus for her, it really is. You know what you want and you go for it. I admired the fact that she could work everyday, do her coursework and get good grades. It was good….but I guess it was all too much even for her. Mix in the effects of drugs and she’d gotten herself into a pit that she couldn’t possibly climb from. No doubt she tried. She got another job with another doctor. She did rehab. She came back to have her teeth cleaned. Twice. SHe had guts. I would never come back to the place I got fired from. SHE WAS STRONG-WILLED. There’s no doubt about it. Man. Drugs can take you down. Hard. The worst part for her was hanging around the wrong crowd and never being able to extricate herself from it. That’s what did her in, I think, but who else was she going to turn to? She was 21. She was just a baby. Still so young. I just got finished in my previous post talking about how dumb I was just 7 years ago even though I was an adult and thought I knew everything.

<sigh>

I don’t know if I should cry for her. I think I should. Her parents will grieve for her, but will anyone else? Her son may not ever remember her. How do you explain to a baby boy that his mom will never come home again? My Dr. will grieve. Her baby-daddy? Maybe. But she had a hand in keeping him in prison. Her old boss that she spoke so fondly of will. Is that it? Will her friends grieve? I hope her death can encourage them to open their eyes. As for me, I will pray for her soul and for her family and her son, and I will never ever allow anyone I love to get anywhere near drugs. I’ve seen what it can do. Firsthand this time and not through the TV or the internet or the news. Amen.

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2 thoughts on “Depressing

  1. Oh my goodness, that is terrible news. I am so sorry this happened to someone you had close contact with. In the end, I think you do make an important point about following your gut feelings. It’s hard to explain, but sometimes trusting your instincts is the right thing to do and you just “know” when something is about to happen.

    Are you doing ok?

    Like

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