I should be sleeping but…

…I have GOT to get this off my chest. So I’m here at my house with my mom. The service people are coming tomorrow which is why we didn’t go home today. My mom had off today and tomorrow so we’ll just head on back whenever they finish up. Anyways, I have some serious PMS going on so my irritability level is out the roof. My mom is lying in her room and I’m in the flexroom right outside playing Candy Crush on my phone. SHe’s listening to songs and it sends her back to thinking about my dad and the whole divorce thing. Having been right after my arguing with her about how she needs to let my brother grow up (she doesn’t want him living on his own. I’ve been working on that with her for quite some time, trying to convince her that he’s plenty ready even if he still seems hesitant about it, and only so because I think he’s waiting for her to let him go.) I’m still fuming about that (I’m getting better at controlling the anger thing) so I just let my mind spill out of my mouth. My mom likes to argue her way out of everything.

I think that she’s just as bad as my dad even if he’s the one who is extremely bitter from the whole situation, cursing her out on the support checks he sends. I understand that it’s kind of hard when you were married to someone for 20-some years…how can you just forget and move on? It’s not that simple!! However, I think that the emotional trap that he’s still able to inflict upon her–and us for that matter…his legacy if you will–is something that we all need to strive to break free of. Unfortunately, I find myself constantly thinking of the past: the Snowhill, the Seabright, college, hygiene school. They are memories, yes, both good and bad. THe comfortable past is just that: comfortable. It’s hard to break free of a habit. A lifestyle. How we were unable to go out with friends. The constant shopping just so we can get out of the house, away from him and into actual A/C, keeping tight-knit together as a family to make it through those turbulent times. It was YEARS worth of it!! Yes yes yes…you can’t make someone forget 25 years worth of their life…but you can help them move on. Look forward and up to not dwell about things that have already happened and won’t ever change. It’s important to remember the lessons of the past, but it’s more important to be able to apply it to the future, which, coincidentally, involves moving in a futuristic direction.

Her argument for not going to meet her friend from years ago is that she doesn’t know what to talk about, it has been so long. I say, if you’re friends, you’ll pick up right where you left off. What that means to me is that she’s still afraid to break from that shell, to experience life as a stronger woman than my dad ever squashed her down to. She is truly a homebody, but she’s clinging so heavily to that wall of protection that she’s built up that to come out from behind it leaves her vulnerable from all sides. Hence, the excuses, hence the inability to think that her 24 year old son is able to live on his own and take care of himself and experience life and the responsibility of being a man….a human. Heck, it’s already asking too much of her to accept that my sister is getting married, though it is much much easier because my sister is and has been living apart from us for 2 years now. She’s always had my brother around in some way, shape or form. I’ve been away in the past as well. He’s the only one who hasn’t.

For myself, I’ve resolved to try and look forward too. I suffer from the same issues, unable to break free from this past I hold so dear. I’d like to try and be more proactive, to involve myself with old friends and things, but it’s late now, you know? People are getting married left and right, schedules are tight. Just the other day an old friend from college wanted to meet up. I find it easier now to say, sure, let’s go! In the past it had been, wellllllllllllll…..<insert excuse>. I want to be involved with people my age again. Family is great, but friends help you remember that there is a larger world around us with more opinions to consider that just our own, that the world is a much bigger place and has so much to offer. Working with people is one thing, but actually spending non-work time with them is that much more important. The social connections we weave impact us in so many more ways that we could fathom. I love love love relaxing at home, but more I realize I have to give social situations a chance…that I need to break out of this web of security. Every so often. haha.

It’s hard to convince a stubborn water buffalo with their thick skulls, which is why I’m trying to work on my brother too. I think in this instance he needs to take charge of his individuality and make the first move, because neither party wants to go first and there’s no way my mom’s gonna be like, yeah, go live on your own. She’s too much of a mom.

Why do I always feel so manipulative?


One thought on “I should be sleeping but…

  1. It is really hard to break out of your shell and move forward sometimes when you were with someone for a long time, especially if you were on the receiving end of trauma. It makes you want to build a stronger wall than before, which makes it even harder to venture out because you feel safer being by yourself.

    I was like that for a while but eventually I didn’t like the person I was becoming so I said to myself that nothing is ever going to change if I don’t do something differently. So I started to change things little by little each day and I feel that even when I’m alone, I am a much stronger person now. And you’re right–friends are awesome because they give you the kind of support that sometimes family can’t offer.


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