There are certain times when all I want to do is hurt something. Tear something. Punch something. The urge was particularly strong today, and in hindsight I think that’s what I wanted to do all Sunday and particularly yesterday. Today is strong mostly because I am angry. I keep that in the present tense because I still am rather irritated. I went to work angry, was angry through all of work and angry coming home. It’s quite stressful, this anger business. My co-workers and workers all kept their distance from me today, walking on eggshells around me. Being angry in this job can be a challenge since it requires the opposite: patience. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I need to vent physically somehow either. Every so often I build up a surplus of energy inside me and I needs to come out. REALLY needs to come out, and it makes me….unpredictable. I was very…what’s the word…uncomfortable (bad translation from Vietnamese) all day Monday for memorial day, so I tried to exert myself by cleaning things. I ended up cleaning my bathroom and vacuuming the upstairs. It only satisfied me for a moment so I spent the rest of the day watching TV. Unfortunately that didn’t do too much in satiating my thirst for action, which may have attributed to the accumulation inside me today.
Here’s a before and after pic of the sink. Notice the crane fly that has been squished there for 2 weeks or so is gone in the 2nd pic!!
I used to have a punching bag back when I used to live 100 miles south of here and it made me feel better to use it even though we never had a stand for it. Nowadays since I don’t have one, I usually try to channel the excess energy into tearing up plants, dragging heavy things around, walking Gable, and if action is unable to be accomplished I vent here on the blog, sketch, or try to put it all into video games. Video games tend not to be able to calm me down, however. Mostly I just vent on here as I’m sure you’ve noticed. I get so ANGRY about things. My anger is long lasting too. Today’s trigger is an old anger that has burned most of my life and something I hoped I would never have to deal with again, but he seems to want to stay fresh in our memories. I guess it was memorial day after all. Someone egged my brother’s car and then stole his wipers. Again. This happened once before to the same car when we were still at my grandparent’s house. I do not consider this a coincidence. Not only that, but Gable was acting funny either Sunday or Monday, I can’t remember which. Maybe both? I remember him going to the window suddenly, and then going to stand at the top of the steps that lead down to the door and just standing there staring down. He stood there for the loooongest time, too, that I had to tell him to go lay down and what was he doing because my brother was downstairs. He’s a terrible watchdog, so he won’t bark or anything, but he knows when someone’s at the door.
It scares me sometimes, this burning rage inside of me. I have to be constantly vigilant about it because if it’s allowed to escape it all-consuming physically and mentally. I have no control when it comes out, but I can control my actions after that. Containment is the only thing I can really do for it, however. It needs to burn off somehow. I wish I had a punching bag right now…something I can hurt my knuckles on, feel some pain on, but I’ll just have to settle for this blog entry. I wonder if I was a warrior in a past life? Maybe that’s why I wasn’t born male and why my joints are all weak: so that I am limited and less inclined to actually go kill someone. You know, I swear that I was born a twin, and my other half was either consumed by me or couldn’t make it. My mom told me that the doctor said my heartbeat was so strong it was enough for 2 babies. When I was born I almost killed my mom. She bled out pretty much as soon as I was out, so they had to rush everyone and everything away to care for her. They never told her what happened…we’ll never know I guess. So many secrets!! I like to believe that there were 2 of me. :)