such a failure

I fail at life. I really do. I hate missing work, but I don’t want to slow people down or make others sick. I also cannot make up my mind. I’m afraid to make the commitment of making a decision, because if I make the wrong one, then I have to own up to it. I shy away from responsibility and any role that puts me in the shoes of someone responsible for others even though I think I have everything it takes to be that person and to be good at it. It’s the same insecurity that has been haunting me since forever.

Bah. My boss just told me all of that in a nutshell on the phone because I couldn’t decide if I should work tomorrow or not (again). I knew it was coming, but I think I needed to hear that. Dammit. That’s the vicious cycle, though, you know? I shy and shy away from it, running away, but running away NEVER solves the problem and it finally catches up, confronts me and I have to take the repercussions of running away anyways. And there’s the fall and the cycle starts all over again.

I guess it doesn’t help that I don’t actually want the job anymore.

The owning up part always hurts. LIke that area on my lower right abdomen. That feeling that still has not gone away since September or whenever the back pain started. One thing I did commit myself too as I was lounging around the house was the get a physician checkup in the New Year. I’ve got to find out what exactly is wrong with the area and what it is, as well as being sure that there is absolutely nothing else detectably wrong with me medically. It has been way too many years.

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One thought on “such a failure

  1. I don’t blame you for wanting to run away. Responsibility is not easy to handle, especially when it comes to commitments and being responsible for other people. It can be real burden. But like you said, no one can run away forever because whatever you’re running away from eventually catches up to you. However, I don’t think you are obligated to own up to everything. Sometimes running away is the best option. But also consider the fact that facing responsibility makes you a stronger person. Nothing is going to change if you don’t break the cycle.

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