its hot x(

I don’t like warm weather when it should be cold. Then again I’m a fan of cooler weather. It’s easier to sleep at night. With that said, it is supposed to be cooler starting tomorrow. Crazy weather. Today it’s up in the high 60’s and then Thursday will be high 40’s. Nutters. It’s enough to make people sick…and I am no exception. For some reason this year doesn’t bode well for my health. I had allergy attack big time this morning. Maybe it’s because I’m getting so very fat. Last winter was extremely mild so the bugs couldn’t die (both insects and germs). I’m hoping this year will at least freeze-kill some mosquitoes.

Speaking of weight: I am now 160 pounds. 4 years ago I was at the prime of my health at barely 130. Last year I was an even 150. 10 pounds in a year? Amazing. I guess it doesn’t beat 10 pounds in 3 months though like hygiene school. And this is with a dog!! My pant size has increased from a steady women’s 10 to a women’s 12. UN-freaking-BELIEVABLE. I am very unhappy with myself. I can feel the out of shapeness of my body. The folds, the fat layers. My scrubs are tight around the thighs. OMG the thighs!! They are tremendous!!! Pretty soon I will be 200 lbs. I cannot let another pant size happen. My shirts ad jackets are tight now. It makes me very frustrated and angry, but then that makes me depressed. UUUGH. I had a revelation that the reason I was so very fit in Mary Washington was because I had to walk everywhere in under 10 minutes. Over, under, uphill, downhill, powerwalking with at least 30lbs on my back everyday. I’ve recently decided to start powerwalking again when I walk Gable to at least try and get somewhere on the right track….get those dang thighs back down. I even incorporate jogging into it. My cardio has always been terrible…I have zero endurance, so the little I am doing now, just the bursts of powerwalking, jogging and running up the stairs is enough to give me a heartattack. My exercise-induced asthma kicks in and I am breathing heavily. It hurts and it feels terrible and it makes me want to go hide in a hole somewhere because I am so embarrassed with how unhealthy I am. I’ve been trying to eat right too. I’ve cut out ore-ida fries for lunch on the weekends and have been stocking up on frozen vegetables and smart-pop popcorn. For the trip home from work in the car, I’ve cut out all carb snacks (exceeeept maybe the gummy bears we have leftover from Halloween) and have been bringing a clementine and apple. The hardest is the convenience part of the equation because now that my mom works so much it’s so easy to just pop over to pizza hut or order takeout Chinese. I know it’s a long trek. It takes 9x the effort to lose what was gained. I am incredibly in the mood to work some weights, but the basement is so cluttered with crap my total gym sit folded up in the corner. Stupid townhouse is too small. I’ve looked up gyms in the area but I’m about 98% sure that it will be a waste of money for me. What with work stress, commute stress, and Gable at home there’s no way I’m going to stop by on my way home nor wake up at 5am to go. Maybe I’d do it 2 weeks. But that’s the limit. This is why I’m focusing on the realistic goal of powerwalking when walking Gable….something I don’t have a choice about. I’ve noticed that I have become incredibly complacent and lazy. I have no desire to actually do anything.

OK, enough ranting. Christmas gifts, cards and stuff are almost done!! Just a few more here and there and I’ll be compelte. The goal is to get everything shipped out in the mail by next Monday and then I can focus on the gifts. Money sucks for me this year because since my mom is pretty much out of commission with budget I’m the one stuck buying all the presents for cousins and work places and cards and stuff. Obviously that brings the idea of me quitting my job in the next few months to mind and my bank account. I reaaaaaaaaaally want to quit. I really do. I go to work and think, soon this will be ovr and I won’t have to sit in this traffic everyday and deal with this at work anymore, etc. I KNOW, however, that jobs aren’t that easy to come by and now that I’m used to spending money like it is water, taking a massive cut in pay may be harder to adjust to than I originally thought. In the same vein, I also recognize what I’ve always known: how much I get paid is to be honest not worth the amount of stress typically associated with it. I’d rather get paid just enough and be thrilled with my job. We shall see!!!

I got my hair cut short again. I was attempting to grow it back out because to be a good candidate for a job, I unfortunately need to look like a normal girl, but I couldn’t take the mid-way length anymore. This is fantastic for me because I love it, but it brings up concerns at work (with patients) with LG. I’ve been playing the part of the jerk with her again because I don’t want things to escalate again. I hate coming into work and having to deal with walking on eggshells around her all the time, but I also hate having to be a jerk. It’s not…normal for me and I don’t like it. I’m afraid to be nice, though, because that’s what I did and then she saw it as her ticket to move ahead again. The fear now is that my haircut is now another sign for her to barrel forward and harass me…but I really want to be able to say hello without opening any doors.

I need to smile and have a genuinely good laugh more often.

IHaha, in the car the other day I came up with a great convo piece to blog about, so that for once can voice my opinions or share some piece of intellect or knowledge like a normal blogger, but as usual I can not for the life of me remember what that topic is. Ohhh well.

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One thought on “its hot x(

  1. Oh no! Please take care of your health! No matter how stressful work can be, taking care of yourself is still top priority. I have zero endurance as well, but recently have decided to start training for a half marathon in March. I think anyone can build up their endurance from scratch! It takes a tremendous amount of willpower, but it helps me to run with other people and surround myself with positive attitudes so that I can absorb some of their energies.

    Like

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