I have to wake up early tomorrrrrrrow….auuugh. The other hygienist’s kid is sick (again) and apparently there was this huge fiasco with not knowing my new number so my friend hygienist had to call me and then I called one of my bosses and now I have to wake up early tomorrow. I was not expecting my short hair debut to come as an all-day affair. FIGURES. Do kids really get sick that often? Or does it have something to do with mom not being home as much as is needed, so they have to go to day-cares? I’m grumbling because I don’t want to pull another 10-hour full-time day, but I’ve been kind of tight with the finances so it actually works out better for me. It IS payweek after all…

I was experimenting with the earrings I haven’t worn for years in an effort to be less ambiguous and now my ears are throbbing and slightly inflamed. Out of my whole set I have about 3 earrings that actually look decent. I know I am obsessing over the whole hair thing…it’s just hard to deal with the reactions people give me. It makes me very insecure (slightly paranoid), even though I feel so much more liberated with it so short. I’ve done it once before which may be why I’m more sensitive about it? Once bitten twice shy? I know what people think really doesn’t matter and that I should do what makes me happy, but unless you’ve done this yourself it’s hard to understand. I know I have my hygienist/friend/ex-classmate/colleague to back me up and my boss (one of them at least) is good at saving me and supporting my sketchy decisions (even if she doesn’t 100% agree), but it’s still hard to deal with things when you’re hyped up on insecurity and the paranoia of ‘what are they saying about me now,’ ‘there! that was a grimace!’ ‘they don’t want to make eye contact with me!!’ Old people and kids aside, it’s everyone else who tends to disapprove…especially men. For some reason men are highly uncomfortable around me when I have hair like this. Women seem to be more often supportive. Even my brother feels embarrassed. My mom doesn’t care, my sister will remark but is nonetheless OK with it.

Stop thinking about it. You’re making it worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some person named Brynne Fearnley with whom I am friends with facebook for some strange reason suddenly decided to look through all my facebook pictures and comment on them. HOW CREEPY. She was giving me comments about why I cut my hair and even commented on pictures from 3-4 years ago. I don’t care! I don’t know you! Go away. You know….I vaguely remember something about Robious Middle School? First day of 6th grade? She was in the wrong English class? So I met her for like 5 minutes? I remember her not being very responsive to my attempts to talk to her. THAT IS VERY CREEPY. I now have goosebumps. I hope she doesn’t make it a habit to try and facebook me.


2 thoughts on “Maaaaaaaan

  1. My last haircut was pretty awful — I wanted to try getting it angled but it just wasn’t a good look for me, and I walked to school the next morning trying to hide because it was too short to put up and mentally going “OH GOD PLEASE DON’T LOOK AT ME, YOU’RE LOOKING YOU’RE NOT SAYING ANYTHING THAT MEANS YOU’RE JUDGING ME” and then I got over it. It is easy to get really, really paranoid. This girl has some really good advice on dealing with what she calls “Jerkbrain,” and how to come up with a mantra that you can repeat when you recognize that Jerkbrain is telling you things that aren’t true (“she blinked at me that means she’s judging me!!!!!!”).

    That said, some people probably are uncomfortable with your hair, because you no longer fit nicely into a gender category. Guys especially I think tend to be less comfortable with a lack of defined gender roles, because they don’t know how to feel around you — am I being attracted to a guy? Can I be attracted to her? Is she a lesbian? But that is a problem with them, not you, and as long as you project confidence and awesome!Courtney you will get people attracted to you (even just as friends-like) who will geniunely like and appreciate you. And that is my happy thought for the day!


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