Every-so-often I get into these….funks…where I kind of wallow in my own self-pity. Today doesn’t help with the rain and all, and for some reason I am super tired even though I slept too much last night. I’ve noticed recently that my brain power has diminished along with my body’s physical ability, and it’s really worrying me. I’ve been recently having this kind of regret that I didn’t go to a “better school” nor utilize my mental capacity to its maximum, etc. It might be because I keep hearing people talk at work what with all the college students squeezing in cleanings and such and the fact that I’m in northern VA where it seems that its all everyone cares about: connections and status, but I’ve never really been bothered much by it before. I was content!!!

I think I’ve hit my biological midlife crisis! All of the sudden I’m sitting here and thinking that most of my friends are going beyond the mere baccalaureate degree I have and proving themselves more. Wasn’t I the one who was like, I’m cool with a bachelors so that I can get a job and just enjoy life without any excess worries? When did that all change? Is it because everyone around me (relatives, co-workers, patients) keep telling me that I should go on otherwise it’s a waste of perfectly good talent and it’s finally getting to me?  Is it a natural thing? Am I unable to be content with anything, so now that I’ve reached my previous goal, I must find something else? In that case when will that end, if ever? Am I just jealous or is this truly something I need?

I mean, I spend so much time bemoaning myself…I know I’m a noncommital type of person which tends to mean that it is impossible for me to remain in lasting relationships or hang around in one location or maintain just one single career position for very long. How is that helpful at all? At what point do I just say to myself: dude. Chill out. Breathe. Enjoy the life you have and all the things you’re blessed with instead of wanting more and more. I got my income tax thingie from work already and when I look at it, it actually makes me sad. I worked so sporadically and randomly in 2011 and yet after all the taxes and all I still make much more than someone who does something so much more important to life than I do. I clean teeth. Yay. See what I mean???  I can’t be happy for myself!!!! AUGH.

In other news, this coming weekend is Chinese New Year. Yesterday I gave myself a New Year’s present: a dresser from World Market. I have been wanting and wanting a dresser for many many years now and here it is! It’s substantial and sturdy and holds my clothes. :)  It was also on sale for the World Market bloom sale or whatever. Total Gym’ed last night and was pleased to discover that my body has improved. The resistance 3 that I’ve been on has been painful and demanding, and yesterday for the first time it hasn’t felt completely demoralizing. yaaayus.

We got the new windows put in last week and BOY do they make a difference in the house. When you put your hands up to them you can’t feel the chill come straight through to the inside. The sliding doors are probably the most impressive. Apparently one of the original doors had been put in upside down and had been letting water in all these years. >_<

Alright, gotta go to work…maybe a little nap before might help.


2 thoughts on “Baaah.

  1. “Am I unable to be content with anything, so now that I’ve reached my previous goal, I must find something else? In that case when will that end, if ever? Am I just jealous or is this truly something I need?”

    I think that if, at 24, you had accomplished all of your goals in this life, you’d be a pretty sad person. No one ever accomplishes every single thing that they want to do in life — I know you want to continue to work out your body, and learn more Latin, and you’d mentioned before finishing your bachelor’s in biology. Those are good goals to have! Those are the sort of things that keep you getting up in the morning and saying, “Yes, there’s a reason I’m still here, there’s a reason I’m still doing things and working.” It’s fine to have times when you’re settled and completely content with your life, but I think that to make that your primary goal is kind of silly. Because it means that you’ve lost all desire to make the world a better place.

    That said, decide what you want, and go for it. None of this “but other people are making me feel bad about the choices I have made in my life!” No one else is living your life, so boo on them and go for what YOU want. :)

    Also, I cannot believe that you lived without a dresser for 24 years. Just saying.


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